How to Stop Being Disrespected, Ignored, or Violated in Dating

0:00If you are actively looking for love,

0:02trying to meet someone and brave enough

0:04to date, chances are you have

0:06encountered behavior that has left you

0:07confused, [music] anxious, or just hurt.

0:10Maybe you met someone you were attracted

0:12to, and they seem to be attracted to

0:14you, too, but their behavior changed at

0:16[music] some point, and now you feel

0:17your efforts are being taken for

0:19granted. Maybe you're dating someone in

0:21the early stages whose communication is

0:23inconsistent, [music] and it leaves you

0:25constantly questioning if they like you

0:26as much as you originally thought they

0:28did. Or maybe you're dealing with

0:30someone who disappears and then reaches

0:32out again as if nothing happened.

0:34[music] Whatever is the case, one thing

0:36is for sure. We teach other people how

0:40to treat us. We do this through our

0:42ability to [music] send a strong message

0:44about our worth through our words and

0:46actions, educating people on our needs,

0:48and [music] being unafraid to be

0:50assertive in the right ways when the

0:53situation calls for it. Now, let's start

0:55with why this is so hard to do in the

0:58first place. We want love so badly. You

1:02might relate to the feeling of being

1:05behind.

1:07That feeling of all of your friends and

1:09family pairing off. That feeling of I

1:13don't know if this is ever going to

1:14happen for me. And yet, it feels like

1:16it's the most important thing in the

1:18world. And when we're coming from this

1:19place, this place of scarcity about it

1:22happening, we attach hard to any hope we

1:26get from someone who likes us. And when

1:28we do that, it makes us liable to reward

1:31the wrong behavior because someone can

1:33disappear, be inconsistent, treat us

1:35poorly, and the only thing we really

1:38care about is holding on to them. That

1:41makes us a target for the wrong types of

1:43people. And as long as we prioritize

1:45finding someone over our own well-being,

1:48we run the risk of never actually

1:49learning from our mistakes. Instead of

1:52meeting someone and seeing some

1:53behaviors we don't like or appreciate,

1:55and then saying to ourselves, "Oh, I've

1:58seen this before. I'm not going to let

1:59this happen again." We think to

2:01ourselves, "It's another chance. I have

2:04to take it." So, you end up meeting the

2:06same person over and over again, just

2:09with a different name. One of the ways

2:11to solve this is to stop showing up in

2:13our love lives obsessed with whether we

2:16can get someone or not and how to get

2:18someone and to start showing up in ways

2:20that make us proud. Saying no we're

2:22appropriate. Standing up for ourselves

2:24we're appropriate. Taking risks even

2:26though we know we might get hurt but

2:28being proud of oursel for taking the

2:29risk in the first place. Because when we

2:31start making ourselves proud we start

2:34liking ourselves more. We start having

2:37more respect for ourselves. And then we

2:39don't even want to put ourselves around

2:40people who don't treat as well because

2:42we start thinking this person doesn't

2:45deserve to be around this person that

2:47I'm proud of. What are some other things

2:49we can do if we want to start getting

2:51the right treatment in dating? Number

2:53one, start recognizing the wrong

2:56behavior as the wrong behavior. I knew

3:00someone who was dating someone who out

3:02of nowhere ghosted her. It really,

3:04really hurt her. It took her a while to

3:07get over it. And then weeks later, out

3:09of nowhere, he just showed up at her

3:12doorstep at 6 a.m. instead of looking at

3:17that and going, "Get off my porch."

3:21She said, "Come in." And she started

3:24dating him again. And then he did it

3:28again. The problem is she didn't see him

3:31showing up at her door at 6 a.m. after

3:34ghosting her as a massive red flag. She

3:38chose to see it as a romantic gesture.

3:42Many of us who keep ending up with the

3:43wrong people could stand to be a little

3:46less romantic and a little more

3:48discerning. When someone suddenly comes

3:50back to us and says, "I miss you." It

3:52feels romantic. But it's much more

3:54powerful if someone came back and said

3:56to us, "Hey, I'd love to meet up for a

3:58coffee." and talk about the way I

4:00behaved. We routinely confuse what feels

4:03romantic with what signifies a good

4:06teammate. It is not about who woos us

4:09and seduces us. It's about who's there

4:12for us. Romance is often performative.

4:15It is intense. It is showy. But someone

4:17being there for us, that's grounded. It

4:20feels safe. There is a consistency to

4:23it. So, number one, recognize the wrong

4:26behavior as the wrong behavior. Number

4:29two, remember that having standards for

4:31the way that you're treated

4:33isn't just a way of protecting yourself.

4:36Standards can actually create

4:39attraction.

4:41We get so preoccupied with the idea of

4:44standards being a defensive act, a way

4:47of protecting ourselves that we don't

4:49realize the extent to which standards

4:51actually serve as an offensive act. Just

4:54having a standard actually can change

4:58how attracted someone is to you. It can

5:02change how hard someone tries. So this

5:04is what I mean by standards aren't just

5:06playing defense. They're actually

5:08playing offense. They're actually a tool

5:10to create more attraction. So, you

5:12should be feel very empowered about

5:15being someone who has standards. We get

5:18very obsessed in life with whether

5:20someone likes us. And that's natural.

5:22Most of us have a people pleasing

5:24streak. We want to be liked. Our ego

5:27gets into the equation. But do they like

5:30me is often not the right question. The

5:34better question is, do they respect me?

5:37And while standards don't create

5:38compatibility,

5:40you know, you can have standards and

5:42still realize you're not right for each

5:43other, standards do equal respect. Now,

5:47here's the catch. When we do something

5:49that gets us respect from someone, it

5:52can initially make them like us less or

5:56at least get annoyed with us. It can

5:58create friction. And when there's

6:01tension, when there's the friction of us

6:03doing something that gets us respected,

6:06it can feel like someone doesn't like

6:08us. But if we're willing to choose being

6:10respected over being liked, what we'll

6:13come to realize is that respect leads to

6:16admiration. Admiration leads to someone

6:20wanting to be liked by you. [music] It

6:24flips the script. While we're on this

6:26subject, it is worth saying there is no

6:28relationship on earth [music] where you

6:30are not going to have to speak your

6:31standards. Not once, but over and over

6:34again. Matthew AI [music] is designed to

6:38help you know what to say and what to do

6:40in all of these situations. [music]

6:42The right advice in the right moment can

6:45mean the difference between losing

6:47someone, getting stuck in a really toxic

6:49situation for too long and wasting your

6:51time, or finally creating the healthy,

6:54loving, committed relationship you have

6:56always wanted with [music] someone. And

6:58Matthew Aai's advice is not generic.

7:00It's built on 18 years of my courses, my

7:03[music] content, my speeches. So, when

7:06you get Matthew AI's answer, you're

7:07getting my [music] answer. The great

7:09news is that right now we have a Black

7:11Friday offer on Matthew AAI where I am

7:14giving it to you for two weeks for free

7:17on a trial. [music] You can cancel your

7:19trial at any time, but this is an

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7:22Matthewai. [music] You can use it as

7:24much as you want in those two weeks. See

7:26what it does for you. Go try it. ask.com

7:30is the link to go and get that [music]

7:31Black Friday offer. It is only available

7:33until December the 3rd. Back to the

7:36video. The third point I want to make

7:37about standards is that to some extent

7:41people get away with what they can. It's

7:43a matter of people taking their cues

7:46from us. We can either be the person who

7:49goes through life expecting the bare

7:51minimum

7:53training people to give us the bare

7:55minimum or the person who goes through

7:57life expecting people's best and

7:59training them training the situation to

8:02give us their best. Don't you have the

8:05friend that you can be a little late for

8:07and it or a lot late for and it doesn't

8:09really matter and then the friend who

8:11you can't be late for? What's the

8:13difference? The difference is the cues

8:15they give you about how much punctuality

8:18matters to them. So it is not just a

8:21matter of good people and bad people in

8:24dating. It is a matter of how to train

8:28your dragon. Number four, standards do

8:32not have to mean conflict. I often think

8:35that one of the worst side effects of my

8:38work over time is that people hear me

8:40say the word standards and they start to

8:42become almost a more aggressive version

8:44of themselves when they stand up for

8:46themselves. But standards don't have to

8:49mean confrontation all the time. They

8:51don't have to mean you suddenly start

8:53taking yourself and life too seriously.

8:55I don't want you to go into dating like

8:58picking people up on every little thing

9:00they do and saying, "We need to have a

9:02conversation." Standards can be

9:04delivered with warmth. They can be

9:06delivered with kindness. They can be

9:08delivered with a sense of humor. You

9:11know, you can say, "I I have a great

9:14time with you. You know, hanging out

9:15with you is the best. I just don't get

9:17the impression that you're that serious

9:19right now or that you're being that

9:20intentional in your dating life right

9:22now." Someone might be trying to take

9:23you home on the second date or the first

9:25date and you don't want to do that

9:27because it's too fast for you. You don't

9:29have to say, "You don't really think you

9:30could take me home on the first date, do

9:32you?" You can say, "As gorgeous as you

9:35are, um, I just don't move that fast."

9:38And this is what I call the bliss point

9:41of standards and communication. The food

9:43industry has a term called the bliss

9:46point for the optimal level of salty and

9:48sweet that makes you keep wanting more

9:50of something, right? Think Nutella,

9:52think kettle corn. You can't get enough

9:54of it. You don't get satiated because of

9:57that ratio of salty to sweet. Well,

9:59there is an optimal ratio of salty and

10:01sweet that makes someone keep wanting

10:04more of you if you know how to

10:06communicate in that way. To that effect,

10:09standards is a language. It's a language

10:12we need to learn. And we're going to

10:14need it all the time in our lives. You

10:16are only one text or one date away from

10:20needing to know how to communicate your

10:22value the right way. If you want my help

10:24with that, Matthew AI can be that for

10:26you in helping you troubleshoot how to

10:28react, what to say, [music] and how to

10:30read a situation when it comes up. I

10:33don't want you to get to the next one

10:34and be like, "What should I do?" I want

10:35you to have this tool at your

10:37fingertips. You can try it at askmh.com.

10:40And if you get there and you love it,

10:41take me up on the Black Friday offer of

10:43two weeks for free as a trial while it's

10:46available for Black Friday [music] until

10:48December the 3rd. Thank you so much for

10:51watching this video. Leave me a comment.

10:52Let me know what you thought and I will

10:54see you next time.