Full transcript
0:00this is Coach Lee and I'm going to talk
0:01to you about how you can make your ex
0:03feel the kind of loss that brings them
0:06back to you that makes them want to be
0:08in the relationship again and I'm going
0:09to talk about this in different stages
0:12too because it's not just all before the
0:14two of you get back together it's not
0:16just all about what happens during no
0:18contact it's also about what can happen
0:20when you two are starting to talk again
0:22and starting to get back together number
0:25one is show them that you can stay away
0:28and I'm talking about after the breakup
0:30when they have told you they want the
0:32breakup and you have told them no come
0:34on let's work on this we can do this and
0:36they have still refused and they have
0:38restated that they do not want the
0:39relationship anymore the most important
0:42thing you can do at that point is to
0:43show that you can stay away and some of
0:46you have broken no contact you've messed
0:48up you've given in but if you have been
0:50able to show them you can stay a couple
0:52weeks three weeks four weeks even though
0:55I would hope you could go longer even to
0:57the point of 2 and 1 half or 3 months
0:59with no no contact at all so that they
1:01can really feel that not only can you
1:03stay away but they assume that you are
1:06moving on to some degree and that it's
1:09easier for you than maybe they
1:11anticipated it was or else you would
1:13have reached out that's kind of how they
1:15think and they do think about it but if
1:17you can show them that you have the
1:19ability to stay away then what it does
1:22is it communicates to them that when
1:24they pull back from you when they break
1:26up with you that you are not going to
1:28rush in and start putting a lot of
1:30energy and effort into trying to fix
1:32things and to make things right if they
1:35are not interested in doing that so it
1:36tells them that you won't fix what they
1:38broke that they actually have to be an
1:40equal participant in this if it's going
1:42to work and of course that's getting way
1:43ahead of ourselves because they are not
1:45there yet but what happens is by doing
1:48this you show them this when they are
1:51ready when they do look back at it so
1:53it's not going to necessarily do
1:55everything you want right in the moment
1:57it may take some time but it's like
2:00leaving a matter of record when you
2:02broke up with me I could stay away from
2:04you and I could stay away for a while
2:06because that way in the future they
2:09won't see a breakup as potentially a way
2:11to manipulate you to get you to act like
2:13they want you to act or to show you how
2:14hurt their feelings were or to just get
2:16at you because maybe they're really mean
2:19in which case you probably don't want to
2:20get back together with them at least you
2:22should consider that maybe you shouldn't
2:24and so the strongest part of this is
2:27that when they do start to consider the
2:30idea that you could move on and that
2:33maybe they need to revisit this decision
2:36because that's when they finally take it
2:37seriously when you have shown them you
2:39can stay away and they think maybe this
2:41person could move on without difficulty
2:44and find somebody else that's when they
2:46don't get a free pass anymore on the
2:48breakup because before that they thought
2:51I can be broke up with this person right
2:54now and I can do whatever I want and if
2:56I do want them back they kind of have
2:58the safety net if I do want them back I
3:01could get them back because they really
3:02want this badly they've told me so and
3:04they keep begging and pleading but when
3:06someone doesn't do that or they stop
3:08that's when the person has to come face
3:10to face with the possibility that they
3:12could want you back and not be able to
3:14get you back and you think why do they
3:15care they broke up with me they did but
3:18they also knew you wanted to be with
3:20them they knew that they were the one
3:23who wanted to leave the relationship
3:25they wanted to break the relationship
3:27and not you and so the assumption is if
3:30they wanted back you would be waiting
3:31and you would take them back at least
3:33for a good amount of time enough time to
3:35where they're not worried about it but
3:37when they start thinking that you could
3:39have the strength to move on that's
3:42where the Small Voice in their head that
3:44says is this the right decision do I
3:47really want this breakup and it's there
3:49even if it's small even with cases where
3:51they are very certain there's still
3:53going to be a small amount of doubt
3:55that's just human nature that's when it
3:57gives it a bigger louder voice in their
4:00head because now it's not just well in
4:03the rare event that I'm wrong about this
4:05I could just get them back now it's more
4:08serious in the event in the rare event
4:11even that I'm wrong about this I
4:13couldn't get them back and so it
4:15represents loss that's where we have to
4:17have them get to that's where you have
4:19the most leverage and that's when if
4:21they cared about you and they loved you
4:23your odds are good that they could be
4:24away from you not like being away from
4:26you and realize they could lose you and
4:28do something about it it can help them
4:29make that decision it can help them to
4:32realize that maybe this is just simply a
4:35downtime in the relationship as far as
4:37whatever was happening before the
4:38breakup or that they were just getting
4:40used to being in a companionate
4:43committed relationship instead of just
4:45that new liance of a new relationship it
4:47allows them to think of possibilities
4:50and to see maybe some things where they
4:52were wrong and to see where the
4:53relationship is more important to them
4:55than they thought so the only way you
4:56can do that is to show them you can stay
4:58away number number two is when they
5:00reach out because that's actually very
5:03common it's unusual that you just never
5:05hear from them and usually when that
5:07happens is when there was a lot of
5:09hostility and anger at the breakup or
5:11there was obsessive behavior on your
5:14side after the breakup to where you
5:17pestered them and wouldn't give them any
5:18relief for too long and people always
5:21ask well how long is too long well it's
5:23difficult to say exactly because
5:25people's tolerances are different but if
5:27it's too long usually what happens is
5:30they start showing a lot of anger and
5:32even cruelty they will say cruel
5:34terrible things to you like they never
5:36loved you they might insult you or
5:38someone close to you because they're
5:40trying to get you to stay away from them
5:42and they think that if they lash out at
5:43you and hurt you that they could do that
5:45and so when they reach out it's very
5:47important not to try to make this a
5:49negative situation or bring up negatives
5:52especially the breakup details the
5:54issues or asking too much so for example
5:57if they reached out to you and you jump
5:59right away to ask them to get together
6:01face to face now there is a time for
6:02that and usually it's maybe the second
6:04time that they reach out if things are
6:05going really well and they haven't
6:07suggested it yet and you just want to
6:09because you want to kind of push this a
6:11little bit because you might want to
6:13just move on and you want to just kind
6:15of get it over with it could make sense
6:17then but it's key that you don't treat
6:20them as though they are giving you an
6:22opportunity to try to get them back that
6:25you're going to try to talk them into
6:26coming back or you're even going to
6:27bring up the relationship at all they
6:29need to just basically get from you this
6:32polite casual conversation that almost
6:36seems to be focused on new life and not
6:38focused on this breakup not thinking
6:40about it because again if what they
6:43thought is Right which is what most
6:45dumpers think is reality is that they
6:48wanted the break up and you didn't and
6:50then it will just permanently be that
6:52way now if you directly ask them about
6:54that they would deny it well no I
6:56understand there's repercussions for my
6:58actions they could say something like
7:00that and at the moment even if they were
7:02confronted with the idea maybe by a
7:04friend maybe by you or even just inside
7:06of their own mind it's not going to be
7:08enough to really impact them they're
7:10going to say yes I want the breakup of
7:12course I know this it will take action
7:14and that action is first of all you
7:16showed them that you could stay away
7:18next is even when they did start
7:19interacting with you you still did not
7:22try to fix the breakup you didn't try to
7:24fix what they broke they need to see
7:26that as well because that's when they
7:28start feeling feeling like it's their
7:30responsibility to do something about
7:32this if they want it and so they have to
7:34decide if they want it because you're
7:36not going to make it easy for them to
7:38just stay away from you and think
7:39there's no consequences by doing these
7:41things it actually shows them that the
7:43breakup could be bad for them because it
7:46destroys their Illusions it's an
7:48illusion that you will never move on
7:50even if you don't think that you will
7:51you will in time if you move on to date
7:54someone else or just move on temporarily
7:57before you start dating again to where
7:59your you're able to focus on yourself
8:00and not constantly on the breakup you
8:03have the ability to move on your brain
8:05is programmed to be able to help you to
8:07do that it just takes enough time for
8:09your brain to adjust overtime over the
8:13days and months after the breakup and so
8:16you've demonstrated you can stay away
8:17and then they reach out and you've
8:18showed them that you are not
8:20hyperfocused on the breakup after all
8:22and that you're not going to bail them
8:24out of this to where they feel like they
8:26can just go back to the breakup and not
8:28have to worry about it because if they
8:30ever wanted to get you back which they
8:31probably won't ever that's what they
8:33think that's what they think usually
8:35that's not right but that's what they
8:36think that you will be there waiting and
8:39they can just snap their fingers and
8:40make it happen and often times that's
8:42why there's this basically phenomenon of
8:45after a breakup when the person who
8:47dumped you starts reaching out to you
8:48again some that there can just be kind
8:50of this fade away a lot of people talk
8:52about it it seems like things are going
8:54well and then they just stop contacting
8:56you as much and then slowly over time
8:57they just disappear and some people can
8:59get paranoid because that is something
9:01that I've talked about and that I've
9:02noticed and it does happen on occasion
9:04but the way you can keep it from
9:06happening or at least give yourself the
9:07best chance of it not happening is that
9:10you don't start trying to reestablish
9:13the relationship as soon as they start
9:15contacting you again if you can stay in
9:16the moment with them and just kind of
9:18enjoy the present with them enjoy life
9:20with them without being romantic
9:22Partners now if they start flirting a
9:24lot of times it's fine for you to flirt
9:27back you kind of want to follow their
9:28lead on that you don't want to be ahead
9:30of them you want to be just slightly
9:32behind them and it's enough to show them
9:34that it's still as they were concerned
9:36it might be and that is you could move
9:38on you're strong enough to stay away and
9:40that you're not just wrecked by this and
9:42that's a shot to their ego too whether
9:44or not they want to admit that or
9:46dumpers want to admit that people
9:48disagree with me on that sometimes but
9:50there is an arrogance there's an ego
9:53boost that comes with breaking up with
9:54somebody even if you liked the person
9:56even if you just thought you know we're
9:58just not right for each other
9:59or this person's bad to you whatever it
10:02might be that causes you to break up
10:04with them you think you could do better
10:07than this person this situation and that
10:09could be well you're just not going to
10:10tolerate being mistreated anymore well
10:13then of course you could do better than
10:15that so they do have this sense that
10:17they are the more attractive one at
10:20least in this situation because they're
10:21the one who wants the breakup and you
10:23don't so there's this imbalance I'm
10:25going to talk about that more in just a
10:26few minutes but there's an imbalance and
10:28so when they start reaching out to you
10:30some after the breakup because they're
10:32feeling a loss of intimacy they're
10:35concerned because you showed them that
10:36you could stay away and now you're
10:38behaving as though you are not circling
10:41your life around this breakup experience
10:44it makes them question was that
10:46imbalance real or was it in their head
10:48are they really more attractive than you
10:50because they wanted to break up with you
10:52or have the tables turned a little bit
10:53and maybe they've been operating under
10:56an illusion this whole time and before I
10:58get to number three get some more
10:59information on my emergency breakup kit
11:01it's a powerful guide to help you get
11:03your ex back after they broken up with
11:05you even if they've said it'll never
11:07work and that they're never going to be
11:08interested again it's the emergency
11:10breakup kit I link to it in the
11:12description below or you can go to my
11:13exat coach.com and you'll see the link
11:16for emergency breakup kit so number
11:18three is a little bit of an expansion to
11:20what I was just talking about and that
11:22is relationship imbalance and the
11:25importance of removing that and the
11:28reason is is not that we shouldn't dot
11:30on the other person and even spoil them
11:32to some degree but you have to know if
11:35that person can handle it in that moment
11:37okay some people cannot handle being
11:40treated well and being spoiled for lack
11:42of a better term other people handle it
11:44well and they're grateful and they do
11:45the same to you and then you have two
11:47people who pursue each other instead of
11:49just one person being the pursuer and
11:51the other person being the prize and
11:53this person's put on this pedestal and
11:55practically worshiped and that person
11:57can just complain about little small
12:00things that you do even threaten the
12:01relationship over misspoken words or
12:04forgotten chores or things like that
12:06that really should not be the end of a
12:08relationship that's that's something you
12:10work on or that's something you just
12:11forgive the other person because you're
12:12both imperfect but when there is an
12:14imbalance that's when the other person
12:17can feel like they are your judge that
12:19they're just looking at you under a
12:20magnifying glass and if you happen to
12:22zigg when you should have zagged well
12:24they're just going to break up with you
12:25which is absurd that relationship could
12:28be given away for something so small
12:30could be just broken for something so
12:32small but that's what happens when
12:33there's that imbalance because the other
12:35person sees themselves in a role of
12:38being like a judge and that you have to
12:41jump to attention and serve them well
12:43because that's the dynamic that has been
12:45established and so if you were to act
12:47out against that a little bit it's like
12:49well you changed the rules all of a
12:51sudden and that makes them mad it can be
12:53a nightmare scenario that's why it's so
12:54important that you don't let yourself
12:56become the only pursuer and you don't
12:57let yourself become
12:59the prize and that's where people are a
13:01little bit surprised when I say that but
13:03if there's that kind of imbalance where
13:04you see that the other person is doing
13:06more for you they're pursuing you more
13:09it can actually create resentment from
13:11their side or it can cause you to be in
13:13the position of being that judge with
13:14the microscope on top of them looking at
13:17all their flaws and like oh I got you
13:19now I'm going to break up with you you
13:20don't want that you don't want to be
13:22that way and a lot of times that will
13:24create incredible resentment from them
13:26if you start acting that way a lot of
13:27times you won't notice it for a while
13:29because they will become comfortable in
13:30that role of being the pursuer and you
13:32being the prize and then it will hit you
13:34right between the eyes one day they have
13:36just had enough and usually in that
13:38situation there's very little you can do
13:42no contact of course is going to be your
13:43best bet but a lot of times they're
13:45freaking happy to get away from you and
13:47then they're going to have their friends
13:48saying yeah you were mistreated you were
13:50treated like you were less and like they
13:52were your overlord or something like
13:54that and that they were just so much
13:55more attractive and beautiful and
13:57wonderful than you and they will
13:59encourage them not to go back and the
14:00person will like life without being
14:02under the microscope so when they start
14:05talking to you again after a breakup the
14:07key here the important thing here is
14:09that you make sure that those imbalances
14:11don't exist that you are not overp
14:14pursuing them and that if they are overp
14:16pursuing you you need to up your game a
14:18little bit and this is where a lot of
14:20people get thrown off because it feels
14:21so good like oh man I'm not having to do
14:23anything I'm getting put on the pedestal
14:25finally and here they come they're
14:27pursuing me they want this so bad I'm
14:29just going to kind of sit back and let
14:30them want it for a while for a little
14:32bit that's actually a good idea for a
14:34little bit and I mean maybe like two
14:36weeks but if it continues that way what
14:40you will probably experience is they
14:42will disappear it will seem like things
14:44are going well and then they're gone and
14:47when they tell you if they tell you what
14:49the reason was they'll just say well we
14:51want different things or they will even
14:54say I didn't think you were as
14:55interested in it or you weren't putting
14:58as much into the relationship and the
15:00problem is you can't just say well come
15:01back and I'll change because their
15:03feelings have already faded they don't
15:05have that motivation anymore and you
15:06probably even heard that before they
15:07might have said it at the breakup but
15:09that's a sure fire way of causing it to
15:11happen because they'll feel like they're
15:12wasting their time they'll think we can
15:14never get it back to like we had it it's
15:15never going to be good again and that's
15:17because you became the prize and they
15:19were the pursuer even though a
15:21relationship will never just be 100%
15:25consistent sometimes it will be that
15:27maybe you were treated more like the pr
15:29and your partner is more like the
15:30pursuer and it may flip back and forth
15:32and it will be equal for a time what you
15:34should do is try the goal should be to
15:38make it to where both of you are
15:39pursuing each other that way there's no
15:41resentment and one person doesn't think
15:43well I'm more attracted to this person
15:45than that person is to me or vice versa
15:48because that will cause problems even if
15:51you're the one who is getting pursued
15:53more it will cause problems because that
15:55won't go unnoticed and they will start
15:57thinking do I really want to keep
15:58contrib ruting to this when I'm going to
16:00be second class citizen to them and the
16:02answer usually will be no number four
16:06take it one day at a time so when they
16:09start talking about the future even if
16:11this is before you two are interacting
16:12much maybe they just kind of Reach Out
16:14casually and they start talking about
16:16the future maybe are you going to date
16:18other people or they start telling you
16:19that they are one of the best things you
16:21can do is to stay in the moment and
16:23don't tell them no I'm just staying in
16:25the moment I'm just staying in the
16:26present just show them say well right
16:28now I'm just focused on what I have to
16:30do today right now and this is what I
16:31have next or next week I'm going to be
16:33doing this or my family is coming into
16:36town I'm really excited about that don't
16:38let them get you looking too far into
16:40the future and telling them your future
16:42plans without them or for them to tell
16:45you their future plans without you you
16:47don't get anything that way and it can
16:50contribute to the idea of them thinking
16:52that if they did start interacting with
16:54you again and maybe consider the idea of
16:56getting back together with you that it
16:57could be you want a commitment for the
17:00future and that's something that they
17:02probably don't think they can give right
17:03away but if you talk too much about the
17:06future and your plans for the future
17:08especially as it involves them it can
17:09make them think that the future is
17:11already planned out for them like they
17:12don't have to earn it back and we want
17:14them to feel like that they have to earn
17:16you back a little bit that they have to
17:18kind of pay some repentance for their
17:20actions or something that they have to
17:21repent and then prove themselves to you
17:24and so it's just best not to talk too
17:26much about the future because as simple
17:28and nitpicky as it might sound I have
17:30seen situations go the wrong direction
17:33when the future's talked about too much
17:35because they start feeling like it's
17:36locked in that they don't have to do
17:37anything and then they feel trapped a
17:39little bit they can just get all in
17:40their heads and overanalyze this so the
17:42best thing to do is to stay in the
17:44moment don't underestimate that stay in
17:46the present and don't let them bring you
17:48away from the present because if you can
17:50stay in the present then it means that
17:52you don't see the future as a given and
17:54that you're focused right here and that
17:55they had better start earning you back
17:57in the moment number five five don't
17:59overanalyze because especially if that
18:02person broke up with you and you start
18:03overanalyzing anything the relationship
18:06you two talking again and all that and
18:08you kind of clinical eyesee it it can
18:10make them start to feel like they're
18:11under the magnifying glass and there's
18:12all this pressure on their decision and
18:14where they're risking leading you on to
18:17where you might think that they're going
18:19to get back together with you and things
18:21are just going to be great and now
18:22there's all this pressure when maybe
18:23they're not 100% sure and you want them
18:26to feel like they can reach out to you
18:27and contact you if they have some doubt
18:30in the breakup but they're not 100% sure
18:33of getting back together with you and
18:34they just kind of want to see how it
18:35feels they want to kind of interact with
18:36you because they're confusing themselves
18:39if you think that this is easy for them
18:42sometimes dumpers get really frustrated
18:44with themselves because they know what
18:45it looks like and so you don't want to
18:46add any pressure to that by making them
18:49think that if they just have a
18:50conversation with you that you're going
18:51to think that you two are getting back
18:52together now so you want to demonstrate
18:54to them that you can just have a basic
18:56conversation that you can have have them
18:58like something on your social media and
19:00you're not going to react and think that
19:02means they want to get back together
19:03you're going to show them they can
19:05interact with you and that they can see
19:07and they can start moving forward with
19:08you some without you jumping too far
19:10ahead and really you should let them be
19:13the one to do that you want it to be
19:16where you two stay in the moment with
19:17each other and enjoy just being together
19:20and what that means and how you two
19:22interact and what has had you close for
19:24as long as you were but you are not
19:26going to act at all for them like you
19:29think this 100% means the two of you are
19:32back together like you were you're not
19:34even going to talk about it you want
19:35them to know they can interact with you
19:37without them being concerned that they
19:39are obligated now and that way they can
19:41feel free to keep growing closer to you
19:44and you being into their heart again and
19:47then enjoying the romance and all that
19:48without that pressure and then they wake
19:50up one day and they're where you want
19:51them to be and you two are back together
19:52and you haven't even talked much about
19:54it because you've been enjoying each
19:55other that's the best way to handle it
19:57here at the end screen there will be two
19:58videos one will be about marriage and
20:00one will be about breakups choose the
20:02one that's appropriate for your
20:03situation and be sure to get more
20:05information on my emergency breakup kit
20:07the link is in the description below or
20:09you can go to my exat coach.com and you
20:12can get it this has been Coach Lee and
20:13as always thank you for watching