Full transcript
0:00Boundaries really help to empower us
0:03where we can assess moment by moment
0:05what is our tolerance for something. Is
0:07this okay with me? It's not a power play
0:09where we're we're trying to gain power
0:11over this person or yelling or things
0:12like that or I won't allow you to speak
0:14with me this way and things like that.
0:16It's really important that when
0:18boundaries are about demanding respect.
0:20You can't demand respect in a
0:22disrespectful way. So now that we know
0:24why it's important to set boundaries,
0:27what are the steps necessary in order to
0:30create these boundaries to lead to
0:31healthier relationships inshallah?
0:34So the first thing is to figure out why.
0:37Why do you want to set boundaries? And I
0:40know in everything that I'm talking
0:41about I talk about like setting a
0:43positive intention, but it really is so
0:45important and it really shifts our
0:46mindset when we set a positive
0:48intention. And so one of like in order
0:51to be able to set a healthy boundary,
0:55people really struggle with the idea of
0:58how to reconcile maintaining bonds of
1:01kinship with creating boundaries. But
1:04both complement each other. And that's
1:06the key here. They both um can can
1:09coincide with each other in a very
1:11positive way because healthy family
1:12relationships can't be maintained
1:14without healthy boundaries, right? Okay.
1:16And we saw the example of boundaries in
1:18from the we saw an example of healthy
1:21boundaries in the Quran, right? And so
1:23the prophet Muhammad sallallaihi
1:24wasallam says to us and this is a very
1:26beautiful hadith in terms of setting our
1:29intentions correctly. He tells us shall
1:32I not inform you of something more
1:34excellent in degree than fasting, prayer
1:37and sodaka in giving charity? And the
1:40people of course replied yes. You know
1:41who wouldn't want to know what's better
1:43than these three amazing things? And the
1:45prophet sallallaihi wasallam responded
1:47it is putting things right between
1:49people and spoiling spoiling them is the
1:52shaver meaning it's like destructive
1:53like this destructive if you spoil
1:55things between people. So our intention
1:58in setting boundaries is to put things
2:00right between people because if you
2:02think about the relationships where you
2:04wish you could set a boundary. Are
2:06things healthy between you guys? Like is
2:08the relationship where you want it to
2:10be? And the answer is typically no.
2:12Because if it was, you wouldn't need a
2:14boundary in place, right? And so you're
2:17trying to put things right between you
2:19because you know in the long run if I
2:21don't set this boundary it's going to
2:24end up destroying the relationship and
2:27that's going to be really negative. So
2:28the intention is a beautiful one. Right?
2:30So you make the intention as a form of
2:34putting things right between you and
2:35others. Right? And creating boundaries
2:38is your responsibility first because you
2:41can't control what another person
2:42chooses to do. So now how how do I set a
2:46boundary? First thing is observe observe
2:51what really bothers you. What really
2:54gets under your skin? What makes you
2:56feel anxious? What makes you feel
2:58frustrated? What makes you feel hurt
2:59when it happens in a relationship? Once
3:02you know what's upsetting,
3:04then it tells you what's okay and what's
3:06not okay.
3:09And that's the that's the key, right?
3:11And I'm going to give you examples in
3:13this talk in terms of how to set
3:15boundaries, right? So the there are
3:17going to be several here. So the first
3:18is going to be like let's say you're
3:20getting bombarded by by messages from
3:22somebody, right? Like somebody when they
3:23want to talk to you, they send you like
3:2540 messages in a row and they call you
3:27like 10 times in a row, right? Or being
3:30asked intrusive questions by someone or
3:33feeling a lack of privacy in your
3:35personal space. feel like especially for
3:38those who live with in-laws, that's
3:39often a very um a big concern or with
3:42their own family actually, right? Lack
3:45of that privacy in your personal space.
3:47Um feeling drained of your time, right?
3:50That's also a boundary issue. Um or
3:52being spoken to in a demeaning and
3:54disrespectful way, also boundary issues.
3:56So these are all examples and there are
3:58so many more examples of boundary
4:00issues, right? But I want to just bring
4:02these up since they're pretty common.
4:04All right, next step. After you've
4:06observed and you identify, okay, what
4:08makes me upset? Like what's bothering
4:10me? What gets under my skin? The next
4:12thing is to be clear when you are
4:16conveying a boundary, right? It's really
4:18important to be clear about what's okay
4:20and what's not okay.
4:22A person can't cross a boundary if they
4:25don't know that it's a boundary. And it
4:27is your responsibility to share it with
4:30them. You can't be upset when I mean
4:32there are certain things that obviously
4:33across the board are naturally
4:35upsetting, right? But then there are
4:37other things that are particular to you
4:38like these are important things to you.
4:40You can't be upset with somebody if they
4:42don't even know that this is upsetting
4:44to you. It's not fair to them because
4:46you haven't even told them that this is
4:48not okay. So it's not fair to hold them
4:50responsible for something they don't
4:51know is not appropriate to you. Okay?
4:53And so being clear about the boundary.
4:55So here are some examples of what that
4:57looks like. So, with the messages, it
5:00would be something like, you know, I
5:01wasn't available when you first messaged
5:03me, but if there's something you wanted
5:04to talk about, then I'll be free in
5:06about an hour if that works for you,
5:08right? Set boundary around your time,
5:10right? Um, if you know, somebody asks a
5:14really intrusive question, something
5:16that's like really, you know, personal,
5:17some people have no concept of that,
5:19right? And so, you might say something
5:21like, "Oh, you know, that's an
5:22interesting question, but, you know, I'm
5:24not really comfortable answering that.
5:26it's a little too personal. Or you can
5:28say it in like a really superficial way
5:31and you can detract from it where you
5:33can just say something like, you know,
5:34they ask a question and like, oh, you
5:36know what? Actually, before I forget, I
5:37wanted to ask you about something,
5:39right? That's setting a boundary, too.
5:40It's not direct, but it's still setting
5:42a boundary where you're not responding.
5:44You don't need to be obligated to
5:45respond to a question that bothers you,
5:47right? Personal space. Can you please
5:50knock on my door before coming into my
5:51bedroom?
5:53Setting a boundary. Um if you feel
5:55drained of time setting a boundary to
5:58create scheduled timings to spend time
6:01with this per like so sometimes there
6:03are people who feel who make you feel
6:05drained right who demand a lot from you
6:08schedule time with that person if that
6:11relationship is important to you so that
6:13it doesn't spill over into the rest of
6:14your life so that they can feel
6:16prioritized without you feeling burnt
6:18out right so letting them know oh you
6:20know hey I'm not available you know at
6:23like you know 10:00 a.m. is usually when
6:25I go to sleep. So, it's hard for me to
6:26have like a long phone call at that
6:28time. Um, but instead, you know, like
6:30why don't we make sure to get coffee,
6:32you know, like I have like about an hour
6:34between, you know, work work obligations
6:36from this time to this time. And you
6:38have you have that time with them,
6:39right? Choosing your spouse, choosing to
6:42commit to them, and choosing to end the
6:44relationship if you need to. How can you
6:46navigate those decisions at every stage
6:48of your personal love story? That's what
6:50the F of Love is all about. It's your
6:53ondemand guide to the ins and outs of
6:55marriage from the search to the nikah
6:57and everything beyond so you can write
6:59your personal love story in light of the
7:01Quran and sunnah as you navigate modern
7:04challenges. Join Basooni, Sister Sarah
7:07Sultan, and a panel of experts as they
7:09walk you through all the ins and outs of
7:11your love life in the light of the
7:13sunnah. Start writing your love story
7:15today atonline/lo.
7:19Now, when it comes to the disrespect
7:21piece, that one's a little bit
7:23different, right? Because it depends on
7:25a few different factors.
7:27If this isn't somebody that you're going
7:29to be interacting with very often, then
7:31you can stay silent, you know, um, and
7:34you can say a good word like the the
7:35Prophet Muhammad wasallam encourages,
7:37like say a good word or remain silent,
7:39right? Because you're not seeing them
7:41often. But if this is somebody that you
7:44care about, if this is somebody that you
7:45see often that is a part of your life
7:47and you you know like this is just
7:49somebody who you interact with uh on
7:51more than just a superficial level, then
7:55you know keep in mind the hadith of the
7:58prophet Muhammad where he says a man
8:00utters a word pleasing to Allah without
8:02considering it of any significance for
8:05which Allah exalts his ranks in Jenna
8:08and another one speaks a word
8:09displeasing to Allah without considering
8:12it of any importance and for this reason
8:14he will sink down into hell. Right? So
8:18constantly remaining silent as somebody
8:20demeans you is not needed. Right?
8:24Because Allahh commands us that oh you
8:27who believe do not let a people ridicule
8:30another people. You don't need to allow
8:32yourself to be ridiculed. It is okay to
8:34set a boundary for this. And then also
8:37again that intention shift we see where
8:39theam tells us that somebody might say
8:42something good and not realize this is
8:43going to be a means of them going to
8:45Jenna. Somebody says something bad and
8:46they don't even realize that this is
8:48going to be a means of them being in the
8:49hellfire. If you care about this person
8:52then you don't want their words to be a
8:55means of them going to the hellfire.
8:57Right? So it's also not even about you
8:59sometimes. It's also for them. Right?
9:01Like I'll tell you um it was really
9:04cute. My son the other day was um was
9:07telling me that, you know, he had like a
9:09thing with a friend of his and his
9:11friend, you know, called him a a mean
9:13name and we were talking about ways to
9:15deal with it and everything and I was
9:16like, well, you know, you get hassat
9:18from him every time he you know, he he
9:20says something. So, you know, you can I
9:22use like the technique of like, you
9:24know, you can say thank you for the
9:25hasset and and everything. And he was
9:27like, but you know what, mama, I don't
9:29want him to go to the hellfire for
9:31saying these things. And so I think it's
9:34better if he does if I tell him like
9:35don't say those to me because I don't
9:37want you to go I don't want you to be
9:38punished for this. And I was like man my
9:40son is so much better than me and it was
9:42really sweet may Allahh protect him. Um
9:46but it's when you have that intention
9:48for somebody that you care about right
9:51where you know you want them to be their
9:53best self too then setting a boundary
9:56can actually help them as well as help
9:59you. And that's a really beautiful
10:01intention right. So boundaries really
10:04help to empower us where we can assess
10:06moment by moment. What is our tolerance
10:08for something? Is this okay with me?
10:10It's not a power play where we're we're
10:13trying to gain power over this person or
10:14yelling or things like that where I
10:16won't allow you to speak with me this
10:17way and things like that. It's really
10:20important that when boundaries are about
10:23demanding respect. You can't demand
10:26respect in a disrespectful way. And this
10:28is something that I think people
10:29struggle with with boundaries. can't
10:31demand respect in a disrespectful way,
10:33right? And so if you say something,
10:36right, like, you know, it really hurts
10:38when I hear you use this word, so
10:39instead like, why don't we have a
10:41discussion when you've cooled off? Like,
10:42let's take a break and let's like this
10:45is and I I really think there's a lot of
10:47power behind saying something like, you
10:49know, is everything okay? This isn't
10:51like you, right? Like this isn't, you
10:53know, like I this isn't like the way
10:55that our relationship normally is or
10:57this isn't like you. Like I see the way
10:58that you are as a person and everything.
11:00Why don't we both calm down and come and
11:02talk about this later? Right? That again
11:04is setting a boundary. You don't have to
11:05because you're you're still stopping
11:07them from saying these things to you and
11:08being disrespectful to you. Right? And
11:12so um you know so so all of these convey
11:15a way of preventing yourself from being
11:17mistreated but also for the sake of the
11:19other person. And that's a boundary as
11:20well, right? And then in terms of the
11:24next step too, one thing is so when
11:27you've established the boundary, it
11:29doesn't like it's not a magical thing,
11:32right? It doesn't then immediately fix
11:34everything. You have to to still remind,
11:37you know, you have to remind yourself
11:39about your intention behind this because
11:41setting a boundary and sticking with a
11:42boundary is hard. Especially when
11:45patterns in families are established,
11:46it's very hard to stick with a boundary.
11:49So a lot of times we might feel some
11:50shame or guilt after we set a boundary
11:53with people that we love. And reminding
11:57yourself that this is a way that I'm
11:58protecting myself and the people that I
12:00love. This is a way that I'm trying to
12:02make things right between us like theam
12:04encouraged is a beautiful reminder.
12:07And then also in terms of responsibility
12:10of the how of setting boundaries your
12:12actions are your responsibility not
12:14another person's reactions. There will
12:17be people no matter how nicely you set a
12:19boundary who will react badly, right?
12:23But that's not your responsibility. And
12:25it can go different ways, right? Like
12:26sometimes people will respond really
12:28well, right? Where they'll be more
12:30respectful. And then there are other
12:32people who just won't, right? They won't
12:35like the change. It feels uncomfortable
12:37to change a dynamic. and your
12:39responsibility is just to communicate
12:41your boundary kindly and in a respectful
12:44way even if it's hard whether they
12:46follow through with it or not. And then
12:48the final step in that is to maintain
12:52consistency. And that's really hard too.
12:54A lot of times we can set a boundary, we
12:56get in the zone for it, but then we let
12:58it go. And people pick up on that,
13:00right? People realize that, well, this
13:02is, you know, that this must not be so
13:04important to her if she's not
13:06consistent. this must not really mean a
13:07lot to him because he's he doesn't
13:09really care if now anymore, right? So
13:12maintaining that consistency. So when
13:14those text messages come in, right, like
13:17and they come in after one after the
13:18other, not responding right away in the
13:20way that you always used to, right?
13:22Because if we don't follow through, then
13:24we give that person permission to
13:26continue that healthy dynamic, right?
13:28And one of the beautiful things about
13:30relationships and one of the beautiful
13:32things about people, right, is that we
13:34can change. And so relationships can
13:37change you know and so I can make small
13:39consistent changes to get to a point
13:42that's healthier for everybody in the
13:44relationship inshallah and likeam
13:46encourages us he says that the best of
13:48deeds is that which is done consistently
13:51even if it's small so is there one small
13:54change if you could imagine one thing
13:57changing changing in your relationship
13:59with somebody in your life what would
14:01that one small change be and what step
14:03can you take toward that in order to
14:06make it healthier inshallah.
14:09Um so one point about setting boundaries
14:12is when it is like your in-laws some the
14:15the olders so they have they have this
14:18feeling that it's their right it's my
14:21right to ask intrusive question they
14:23don't find it intrusive to begin with
14:24right so at that point what's the finer
14:27balance between being obedient being
14:30respectful keeping the ties of kinship
14:32and yet having boundaries
14:35>> and that's that's a really excellent
14:36question mashallah and it's a very hard
14:38one, right? Because, you know, every
14:40family situation is a little bit
14:41different. Everybody's reactions are a
14:44little bit different, right? And I think
14:46it's one of those things where you have
14:49to weigh the pros and cons, right?
14:52Is the discomfort I'm going to feel in
14:54responding to this question? And the
14:57resentment that is going to build in my
14:59heart against my in-laws going to be
15:02more damaging or less damaging than
15:05their reaction to me trying to set a
15:07boundary, right? And so it's about,
15:10okay, is this something that is like
15:12really non-negotiable to me? Like it
15:14really bothers me and it's really
15:15hurtful to me cuz you know it it
15:17absolutely can be. and then having a
15:19little bit of like a conversation where
15:21it's like, you know, I know that you
15:24don't mean this. I know this is your way
15:26of showing me love, right? You want to
15:28know a little bit about my life and
15:30things like that and everything. And so,
15:32you know, and and so you can also think
15:34about like, okay, I know this is that
15:36that's the intention behind it. So, what
15:39can you and that's a little bit in the
15:41the rest of this the last part of this
15:43presentation about boundaries is if they
15:45continue to be crossed, right? What is
15:48the need behind it? Is it like, okay, I
15:50want to know about my daughter-in-law's
15:52life, right? Like, I want to be
15:54informed. I want to be a part of her
15:56life. I want to feel needed and
15:57everything. Is there another way that
15:59you can help satisfy the that need for
16:01your mother-in-law or your father-in-law
16:03without them needing to ask those
16:05intrusive questions? Right? So, like it
16:06makes me wonder like I wonder if um like
16:09a lot of in a lot of joint family
16:10systems, some people live up, you know,
16:13the the couple lives upstairs and the
16:14in-laws live downstairs. So coming down
16:16and you know saying you know to
16:18mother-in-law look you know I'm making a
16:20cup of of tea can I make you one I
16:22wanted to just you know talk to you see
16:23how your day went and everything and you
16:26know doing that a little bit on uh like
16:27for 15 minutes on a daily basis might
16:30fulfill that need right and those
16:32intrusive questions won't be quite as
16:33needed you know and so so sometimes it
16:36can be helpful to think about what's
16:38what's the alternative need and is there
16:40a way that I can feel comfortable
16:41fulfilling that the other example for
16:43that that often comes up is with um with
16:46in-laws is in terms of kids and
16:48involvement with kids is like okay well
16:51you should be doing this because this is
16:53the correct way to raise this child
16:54right that to me is always I want to be
16:58involved in my grandchildren's life I
17:00want to be needed and I want my opinion
17:02to be valued right so what's the need
17:05that's the need okay so what are ways
17:07that we can make sure that she feels
17:08that okay I can call her for advice on
17:11something that is a minor issue that's
17:13not sensitive for me right? Where I can
17:15just be like, "Okay, you know, like, you
17:17know, my son has a cold and everything.
17:19What was that? What was that that that
17:21remedy that you told me about? What do I
17:22have to boil on the stove and that will
17:24help him and everything? Can you tell me
17:25the recipe and let me write it down and
17:27every so that they feel needed, right?"
17:29Um, and and thinking of little things to
17:32to allow allow that need to be fulfilled
17:35so that they don't have to push push it
17:39in in that particular way.