Full transcript
0:01You're about to get bitten by a deadly
0:03snake. The good news is you get to
0:05choose which one. The bad news is you
0:07have to choose right now and you don't
0:08know what any of them actually do to
0:10you. Lucky for you, I'm here as your
0:12death consultant so you can make an
0:13informed decision. Let's start with our
0:16premium option, the coral snake, aka the
0:18Tesla of snake deaths. When it strikes,
0:21it does so with such insane speed that
0:23not even Mike Tyson in his prime could
0:25dodge it. After the bite, you start to
0:27feel absolutely nothing. No pain or
0:31burning at all. You think it's just a
0:33kiss and carry on with your day like
0:34nothing happened, going through your
0:36usual parade of boredom. But deep
0:38inside, the venom settles in and takes a
0:41slow stroll through your bloodstream,
0:42giving you just enough time to finish
0:44your entire to-do list. So far, nothing
0:46feels wrong. But after about 12 hours,
0:48the symptoms start kicking in. Your
0:50eyelids begin to feel heavy, giving you
0:52that always annoyed look. Soon, your
0:54face muscles begin to quit their jobs
0:56one by one. Smiling becomes awkwardly
0:58difficult, and talking clearly turns
1:00into a challenge. Even swallowing your
1:03own saliva becomes tricky business. Once
1:05it's done with your face muscles, the
1:06paralysis takes the scenic route
1:08downward. Your arms get heavier until
1:10they stop working completely. Then your
1:12legs follow. And just like that, your
1:14whole body gives up and drops you
1:16straight to the floor. Imagine you can't
1:18scream for help, and you can't even walk
1:20to the hospital. You're completely
1:22paralyzed, lying on the floor, staring
1:24at the ceiling, remembering you haven't
1:26cleared your chrome history.
1:28But the best part is yet to come. The
1:30paralysis moves up to your chest
1:32muscles, making breathing about as easy
1:33as explaining cryptocurrency to your
1:35grandparents. You start suffocating
1:37little by little while your brain stays
1:38online to enjoy every second of not
1:40breathing.
1:43And that's exactly the best part because
1:45you're wide awake and fully conscious,
1:47observing helplessly as your body slowly
1:49quits on you. As your breathing muscles
1:51become completely paralyzed, the oxygen
1:52in your blood starts running low. So,
1:54your organs don't get enough to work
1:56right and begin shutting down one by
1:57one, including your brain. That's when
2:00you lose consciousness for a short while
2:02until your heart stops, too, effectively
2:04logging you out of existence. As you can
2:06see, the coral snake's venom is really
2:08good at messing with the nervous system.
2:10It's the perfect choice if you have a
2:11busy schedule and need to get things
2:12done before leaving this world. You get
2:14plenty of time to cancel subscriptions
2:16and unfollow your ex. And give that bank
2:19card to someone who won't waste it on
2:21takeout. But despite that, it still gets
2:24a one-star rating. Mainly because it's
2:26terrible at finishing the job. In fact,
2:28most people who deal with it actually
2:29survive since it's kind enough to give
2:31them just enough time to reach a
2:32hospital, unless they mistake it for a
2:35kiss. But maybe you're thinking that's
2:37too gentle for your taste. Maybe you
2:39want something with a bit more
2:41personality. Let me hit you with an even
2:43crazier option. Russell's Viper. For
2:45those who find suffocation too
2:47pedestrian. Once it spots you and
2:49decides you're worth the attention, it
2:50switches from calm to turbo mode in half
2:52a second and throws itself at you like
2:54you just insulted its mother.
2:58You feel a slight sting at first, and
2:59you might just carry on like nothing
3:01happened. But after about 5 minutes,
3:03things start to get spicy. The bite area
3:05begins puffing up. You feel this growing
3:08warmth spreading from the spot and the
3:10pain starts to intensify and then your
3:12skin decides to get creative. It slowly
3:14goes dark red around the bite area and
3:16purple spots start to appear. This
3:18happens because the venom breaks down
3:20tiny blood vessels causing internal
3:22bleeding under the skin, giving you that
3:24cool tattoo you never asked for. The
3:27pain doesn't stay put either. It's got
3:29wanderlust and starts exploring your
3:31muscles and joints. Your whole body
3:33starts to hurt and it's a feeling no one
3:35would ever wish to experience.
3:37Oh, you start getting tattoos all over
3:40the place. That means the venom has
3:42officially gone on a world tour inside
3:43your body, causing internal bleeding
3:45everywhere. Basically turning you into a
3:47walking bruise masterpiece. Your blood,
3:50normally a responsible adult that clots
3:52and heals and keeps you alive, suddenly
3:54forgets how to do all that. You start
3:56bleeding from places that definitely
3:57weren't on the agenda. Gums, nose, eyes,
4:00belly button. Basically, every opening
4:02your body's gone, even possibly inside
4:04your intestines or bladder. Your pee
4:06comes out without asking, and it's got
4:09this red color. Soon after, you start
4:12vomiting stuff that looks like coffee
4:13grounds because of that internal
4:14bleeding. And just when you think it
4:16can't get worse, the venom starts
4:18messing with your nerves. Muscles stop
4:20cooperating. Your fingers don't move the
4:22way you want them to. Your hands feel
4:24strange, clumsy, confused, maybe a
4:27little offended. Next up, your arms,
4:29your legs. Bit by bit, your body starts
4:32logging off.
4:34There you are, lying on the ground,
4:36completely paralyzed, still bleeding
4:38from everywhere. And there's this
4:40delightful metallic taste that shows up
4:42in your mouth. Ever licked a battery? No
4:44idea why anyone would, but if you have,
4:46then you know exactly the taste I'm
4:48talking about. Wait, you thought the
4:50torture stops here? Wrong. When we're
4:53talking about the nervous system, that
4:54means your chest muscles are definitely
4:56joining the party, too. Breathing
4:57becomes difficult. Not all at once, but
5:00in a terrifyingly slow way and feels
5:02like someone stacking layer after layer
5:04of steel on your chest. The painful
5:06suffocation builds little by little
5:08until you lose consciousness. And with
5:10oxygen levels dropping and losing a lot
5:11of blood, your body's organs begin
5:13shutting down one by one. A slow
5:15resignation of the systems that no
5:16longer have what they need to keep
5:18going. The heart holds out until the
5:20very end, making sure everyone else has
5:22given up. And it goes, too. Have a nice
5:24trip to the other side. Russell's Viper
5:26Venom gives a more dramatic experience,
5:28combining internal and external
5:29bleeding, complete paralysis, and
5:31painful suffocation all at once with a
5:3350% discount for loyal customers. No one
5:35who's tried it ever complains because
5:37they didn't live to do so. Great choice
5:39if you want that systematic organ
5:41failure experience, but still want to be
5:43done before dinner time. Though, if
5:45you're the type who thinks quick deaths
5:46are for quitters, we have some more
5:49immersive options. Gaboon Viper. Death's
5:52slow food movements. For connoisseurs
5:54who want to really savor their
5:55mortality. As soon as the Gaboon Viper
5:57sinks its fangs into your skin, just
5:59like all the bites we've discussed, you
6:01feel a slight simple sting and your hand
6:04looks completely normal. For now, give
6:06it just a few short minutes and things
6:08start to get interesting. Your hand
6:10begins to feel a little tight. A gentle
6:12warmth creeps in, like heat slowly
6:14rising. You might not think much of it
6:16at first, but within moments, the
6:18swelling becomes more obvious. The
6:20fingers transform into sausage
6:21cocktails, then graduate to
6:23broughtwurst. The color of your hand
6:25slowly starts to change to red, and then
6:27a deep, terrifying black begins to
6:30spread across your skin. That's because
6:31the venom's cutting off blood flow to
6:33your tissues, and the hand starts dying
6:35slowly as it stops getting the oxygen
6:37and nutrients it needs. At this moment,
6:39you're probably staring at the sight,
6:40screaming in agony, discovering new
6:42curses you never knew you had in your
6:44vocabulary. It's nearly impossible to
6:46resist the pain that comes with this
6:47kind of internal destruction. The venom
6:49contains tissue destroying enzymes that
6:51literally dissolve your flesh from the
6:52inside out, but slowly enough that
6:54you're fully awake to witness it
6:56happening. The pain only gets worse over
6:58time. It's the same pain someone might
7:00feel if their hand were dipped into a
7:01bucket of molten lava, maybe even worse.
7:04Little by little, your skin starts to
7:06crack. Blisters form, filled with fluid,
7:09then burst, exposing raw, decaying flesh
7:11underneath. That flesh begins to rot.
7:14And the smell that emerges is so
7:16aggressively unpleasant it could send
7:17anyone walking past your house running
7:19the other way. Moments later, the
7:21swelling creeps up your wrist and
7:22forearm. Your whole limb becomes
7:24grotesqually swollen and the pain
7:25spreads with it, consuming every inch.
7:28Eventually, your arm becomes completely
7:30useless. Numbness creeps in as the
7:32muscles die and stop responding to your
7:34commands. Then, the venom enters your
7:36bloodstream. Now, it's no longer just
7:38your hand in danger. The venom starts
7:40attacking blood vessels throughout your
7:41entire body and causing them to leak
7:43internally. Your system begins to lose
7:45control. You feel dizzy, weak,
7:47lightaded. Your body grows heavier with
7:49every second. Next, the fever sets in,
7:52spreading through your body. You begin
7:54to sweat cold, sticky beads that cling
7:56to your skin. Even though it feels like
7:58you're burning up from the inside,
7:59damaged vessels continue leaking, and
8:01your body keeps losing blood. Slowly but
8:04relentlessly, your heart races, pounding
8:06violently in your chest, desperately
8:08trying to save you. It's working harder
8:10than a college student the night before
8:11finals, trying to maintain blood
8:13pressure and deliver oxygen to your
8:14failing organs. But in the end, it gives
8:17out. Gaboom Viper Venom doesn't kill you
8:19fast. It drags you through a slow,
8:21torturous process, breaking you down
8:23piece by piece. It's a journey that lets
8:25you feel every stage from the swelling
8:27to the rotting and finally to the full
8:30internal collapse until nothing remains
8:32but your lifeless body. Perfect if you
8:34want plenty of time to call your mother
8:36and apologize for all those missed
8:37birthdays. Very thoughtful of you
8:39really. But maybe you're more of an
8:41intellectual type. Maybe you want to
8:43understand exactly what's happening to
8:45you. King Cobra, the PhD of snake
8:48deaths. This one believes in education
8:51through experience. When it shows up, it
8:53doesn't even need to jump at you. This
8:5518 ft monster can easily lift a third of
8:57its body and stare you right in the
8:59eyes. Then, faster than you can blink,
9:01it sinks its fangs in and injects about
9:03500 mg of venom into your body. Even
9:06just 1.5 mg can kill you in case you
9:09wanted to gift the rest to your
9:10relatives. After dumping all its venom
9:11into your hand, it calmly slithers away,
9:13leaving you to deal with what comes
9:15next. You'd expect to feel intense pain
9:17and see swelling and puffiness on your
9:19hand after the bite. But sadly, this
9:21doesn't happen. You need to take a seat
9:23and wait 15 minutes to start living the
9:25real suffering.
9:27You'll begin feeling dizzy, and your
9:29vision will slowly become blurry. You'll
9:31lose your ability to blink, but keep
9:33your ability to panic. Your mouth will
9:35go numb. Your saliva will start to drool
9:37uncontrollably. If at this moment you're
9:39on the phone with your friend telling
9:40him what just happened, well, he
9:42probably won't hear the rest cuz you're
9:44about to go mute any second. But no
9:46worries, you can still shoot him a quick
9:48text on WhatsApp to finish the story.
9:50Just got to be fast cuz your fingers
9:52won't cooperate for long. Oh, and you
9:54can even send your location so he can
9:56rush over and catch the action before
9:57it's over. After your fingers go numb
10:00and your phone slips right out of your
10:01hand, you'll start feeling your arms get
10:03heavier and heavier, as if you're
10:04carrying the whole Kardashian family at
10:06once. Then, when your arms go totally
10:08dead, your legs just forget how to keep
10:10you standing, and you end up hitting the
10:12ground.
10:13I guess this reminds you of the
10:14coralnake venom. If so, you're right.
10:17The king cobra venom also targets the
10:19nervous system. But the difference here
10:20is that you won't need to wait 12 hours
10:22to enjoy the experience. So, you
10:24probably guessed what's coming next.
10:26You're going to suffocate and it's going
10:28to hurt bad enough to make you wish you
10:29were a chair or maybe a bra. It depends
10:33on your preferences. And if that friend
10:34shows up at this point, do yourself a
10:36favor and don't let them try mouthto
10:38mouth. Min won't do anything except make
10:40things awkward since the real problem is
10:41your chest muscles have already called
10:43it quits. You have about 30 minutes of
10:46this brutal suffocation before you black
10:47out cuz your brain's not getting enough
10:49oxygen. And guess what happens after
10:51that? Yep, your heart taps out and
10:54that's game over. An excellent choice if
10:56you're curious about neuroscience and
10:58want some hands-on learning before you
10:59go. Though, if you're still thinking all
11:01this sounds too restrained, we do have
11:04one final option. Sawcaled viper for our
11:07most demanding clients who want the full
11:09premium experience. This one's the only
11:11snake on the list that hits you with
11:12straight up pain the second it bites.
11:14We're talking the kind of pain that
11:15unlocks your inner poet and swearing
11:17even if you're on the phone with your
11:18dad right then. A few drops of blood pop
11:20up where it got you, followed by some
11:22nasty swelling and straight fire red
11:24skin. Pain keeps leveling up by the
11:26minute. Try moving your arm for any
11:28reason and it straight up doubles on the
11:30spot. So yeah, might want to save that
11:32hype for another day if you even get
11:34one. After a bite, the spot around the
11:36bite starts turning purple from all that
11:37blood building up underneath. Then your
11:39muscles start cramping like crazy. Then
11:41you get hit with a pounding headache,
11:43nausea, and the urge to throw up.
11:45Hopefully, your lunch wasn't expensive.
11:47A couple minutes later, you'll start
11:49feeling wiped like you've been running
11:50on zero sleep for a week straight. Your
11:52whole body feels heavy, your head foggy,
11:55everything begging for a rest. You won't
11:57even care where you are anymore. the
11:59ground will start looking real inviting
12:01because your body just spent all of its
12:03energy trying to deal with the venom.
12:04And this is when the bruises start
12:06showing up everywhere. Once again, we're
12:08reminded of Russell's viper venom. And
12:10that's because both stop your blood from
12:11clotting and trigger internal bleeding
12:13all over your body. And guess what else?
12:15You'll bleed from every opening in your
12:17body. Eyes, nose, mouth, plus a few
12:20brand new holes the venom kindly creates
12:22just for the occasion. I mean, who needs
12:24wounds to bleed when your body already
12:26comes with built-in openings? The venom
12:28keeps destroying tissue and internal
12:30organs until a blood vessel in your
12:31brain bursts, giving you a cerebral
12:33hemorrhage and the worst headache of
12:35your life. Like literally the worst. And
12:38after that, your heart stops. Perfect if
12:41you want your death to be memorable and
12:43really make an impression on whoever
12:44finds you. I've just spent 13 minutes
12:47helping you choose between different
12:48ways to die horribly. And you watch the
12:50whole thing. Now, before you make your
12:52final decision, there's one tiny detail
12:54I should mention. The more horrifying
12:55your death experience, the more likely
12:57you are to survive it. That was the plot
12:59twist. Choose wisely. My consulting fee
13:02is one subscription, and I also accept
13:04likes as tips. Thank you for choosing
13:06Death Advisory Services.