abelhasAté onde você deve ir por alguém que ama? A psicanálise explica | Andrea Vermont

0:00I want to start this conversation by

0:03showing you a scene that probably

0:05explains what I want to talk about

0:07today better than any concept I could

0:10bring here .

0:19When I first saw these images , one

0:21question stayed in my mind . How many

0:24stings would you be willing to take to

0:27save someone's life ? This man , a

0:30motorcycle taxi driver , received dozens

0:33— over 40 of them — while trying to

0:36save that girl . I recorded a video

0:39about this for my social media and , to

0:42my surprise , millions of people watched

0:44, commented , and shared it . And then I

0:47started to think that perhaps what drew

0:50so much attention wasn't simply that

0:52man's heroism . There is something in

0:55that scene that touches on a very old

0:57question of human experience . What

1:01makes someone else's suffering capable

1:04of interrupting my own life ? Because

1:08that man could have simply continued on

1:10his way . That girl was not his daughter

1:12, she apparently wasn't part of his

1:15family , and he had no formal obligation

1:17to take that risk . But something

1:20happened between noticing a person in

1:22danger and deciding to act . For a few

1:26moments , that girl's suffering was no

1:28longer just her own problem . And I

1:31think this story touches us because ,

1:34deep down , we all wish there were

1:36someone capable of doing this when our

1:38worst moment arrives . Maybe not facing

1:43a swarm of bees , maybe never in such a

1:46dramatic situation , but when life puts

1:48us in a position where we can no longer

1:51cope on our own , there is something

1:54deeply human in the desire for someone

1:56to notice us , in the desire to be seen .

2:02In the video I recorded earlier , I said

2:04that saving a life doesn't always look

2:06like a grand heroic act . Sometimes ,

2:09it's answering the phone in the middle

2:11of the night , noticing that a child has

2:14changed , not ignoring it when someone

2:16says they can't take it anymore , or

2:17simply staying a few minutes longer

2:19when it would be much more comfortable

2:21to leave . And I still think that way ,

2:25only I would like to go a little deeper

2:27now , because there is a question that

2:30precedes all these attitudes . How do we

2:34develop this capacity to perceive the

2:36other , which goes far beyond empathy ?

2:41And perhaps that is where

2:42psychoanalysis can help us understand

2:44why that scene says so much about us .

2:49Winnicott dedicated an important part

2:51of his thought to understanding early

2:54human bonds and the dependency that

2:56marks the beginning of our existence .

3:00When we are born , we are not

3:01self-sufficient individuals . In fact ,

3:04one of the most vulnerable animals at

3:07birth is the human animal . And we

3:11understand that we simply need , at the

3:14earliest age , to develop relationships

3:17with other people . Our survival depends

3:22on an environment capable of perceiving

3:25our needs , needs that we cannot even

3:27name yet . A baby feels hunger ,

3:31discomfort , fear , cold , but it lacks

3:33the resources an adult has to

3:35understand and organize these

3:37experiences . There is someone there who

3:41needs to perceive , interpret , and

3:44respond . This is what Winnicott calls

3:47holding , or the environment surrounding

3:49the child . Gradually , the repetition of

3:53this experience helps the child develop

3:55a sense of continuity and security ,

3:58from which they will be able to build a

4:00more autonomous relationship with the

4:03world . This means there is something

4:06very interesting at the origin of our

4:08psychic life . Before we could take care

4:13of ourselves , someone had to recognize

4:16our vulnerability . And perhaps that is

4:21why being perceived remains so

4:23important even after we grow up . It is

4:26evident that an adult does not depend

4:29on another in the same way a baby

4:30depends on their caregiver . But we

4:34continue to be relational beings . A

4:38person can learn to pay their bills ,

4:40live alone , work , travel , solve

4:43problems , and build an extremely

4:45independent life , without ceasing to

4:47emotionally need the experience of

4:50being recognized by someone . The fact

4:54that we are independent does not mean

4:57we can do without the need to be seen .

5:00The problem is that we live in a time

5:03when autonomy and self-sufficiency have

5:05often started to be confused . There is

5:10a huge appreciation for the person who

5:12needs no one , who solves their own

5:14problems , and moves forward . A part of

5:18this does represent maturity , because

5:21growing up really means taking

5:23responsibility for one's own life . But

5:27there is an important distance between

5:30autonomy and indifference , between

5:32being autonomous and disappearing .

5:36Being responsible for myself does not

5:38mean believing that everything that

5:40does not happen to me is no longer my

5:42problem . And perhaps it is exactly this

5:45boundary that the scene of the

5:46motorcycle taxi driver forces us to

5:48observe . There is also a contemporary

5:51contradiction that makes all of this

5:53even more complex . We have probably

5:57never had so much access to the

5:59suffering of other people . You open a

6:03social network and in a few minutes you

6:05can watch a war , a flood , a sick child ,

6:08someone talking about depression , a

6:11family that lost everything , an

6:13accident on the other side of the world

6:15, and right after , watch a recipe , an

6:18advertisement , a funny video , a trip .

6:23Our brain is placed daily before an

6:25amount of human suffering that would be

6:28unimaginable for someone who lived a

6:30few generations ago . Naturally , we

6:34cannot respond emotionally to all of

6:36this with the same intensity . It is

6:38obvious . At times , we need to move on ,

6:41even as a protection mechanism ,

6:43otherwise we would get sick . But this

6:47logic can start to escape the screen

6:49and enter our lives , and enter our

6:51relationships . We’ve become so used

6:55to swiping to the next video , to the

6:58next piece of information , that we may

7:00lose the ability to remain with what is

7:03uncomfortable for others in real life .

7:07And human suffering is uncomfortable .

7:11When someone we love is suffering ,

7:13there is a very strong tendency to want

7:16to fix it quickly . We give advice , look

7:19for explanations , and try to offer a

7:21solution . We often do this out of love ,

7:26but also because standing before pain

7:28we cannot resolve puts us in touch with

7:31our own helplessness . It is very hard

7:34to look at someone you love and admit .

7:38I don’t know how to take this pain

7:40away from you . And perhaps one of the

7:44most sophisticated forms of care begins

7:46precisely when we can endure our own

7:48limitations . You may not have an answer

7:52and still remain present . You may not

7:56fully understand what the other person

7:58is feeling and still acknowledge that

8:00their suffering is real . You may not be

8:03able to solve someone else's problem

8:06and still offer a space where that

8:08person doesn't have to go through that

8:11pain completely alone . It is in this

8:14sense that I think we need to be

8:16careful with the word empathy . We use

8:19this word so much that it has started

8:22to mean almost everything . Being

8:26empathetic does not necessarily mean

8:28feeling exactly what the other person

8:29feels , as that would be impossible .

8:33Their experience was built from a

8:35history that is theirs , not yours .

8:38Perhaps a more honest definition is to

8:41recognize that even though I cannot

8:43live the other person’s experience

8:46for them , what happens to them can

8:48still matter to me . This difference

8:52seems small , but it changes a lot ,

8:54because it removes the obligation to

8:57always have the right phrase and gives

8:59us back something much more human : the

9:02availability to stay even when we have

9:05nothing to offer . This shows up very

9:08clearly when someone faces a loss ,

9:10depression , grief , or a difficult

9:12emotional situation . There is huge

9:16anxiety in finding exactly what we

9:19should say . But often , the person is

9:22not looking for a brilliant explanation

9:24. They just need to find someone

9:28capable of listening without

9:29immediately turning their suffering

9:32into a lesson , an action , or a solution

9:34. There are moments when remaining in

9:37the face of what we cannot fix is more

9:39important than offering a quick

9:41solution . And perhaps that is precisely

9:45why small gestures have an importance

9:47we often underestimate . When you

9:51remember something someone told you and

9:53ask about how it turned out a few days

9:55later , there is a silent message in

9:57that gesture . What you told me

10:01continued to exist for me after our

10:03conversation ended . When you notice

10:07that someone has changed and ask : "

10:09What's going on ? " You are saying that

10:12that person has not become invisible to

10:14you . We will probably never know how

10:18many crises were navigated differently

10:20because someone noticed something at

10:23the right moment . There are no cameras

10:27in these moments , no one posts about it

10:30, and perhaps not even those who

10:32received that care can later explain

10:34the magnitude of that care and how much

10:36it transformed that context . But there

10:40is a fundamental point that I insisted

10:42on including in the original video and

10:44that needs to be even clearer here . I

10:46am not saying that you should destroy

10:49yourself to save someone else . And this

10:52distinction is especially important

10:54within a psychoanalytic conversation ,

10:56because some people have built an

10:58identity based precisely on saving

11:00others . They take on responsibilities

11:04that do not belong to them . They remain

11:07in extremely destructive relationships ,

11:10believing they will be able to cure

11:12someone , and turn care into permanent

11:15sacrifice . This is not what that story

11:18should teach us . Perhaps it is more

11:21interesting to think that there is a

11:23difference between recognizing the

11:25responsibility we have in our bonds and

11:27believing that we are responsible for

11:28the entire existence of the other . I

11:31can perceive your suffering , be by your

11:34side , help you look for the necessary

11:37resources , but there are experiences I

11:39cannot live in your place . In

11:42situations of severe psychological

11:45distress , risk of self-harm , psychotic

11:47breaks , or other emergencies , for

11:49example , affective presence is

11:51important , but it does not replace

11:54professional help or emergency care .

11:56Loving someone does not automatically

11:58transform us into the person capable of

12:00treating what they are going through .

12:01This distinction is important and

12:04prevents us from turning that man's

12:06gesture into a kind of glorification of

12:09suffering . The question : How many

12:12stings would you take for someone ? It

12:15works as a provocation , but it does not

12:17mean that the more you suffer for the

12:18other , the more you love . That would be

12:22an extremely dangerous conclusion .

12:25There are people who spent their whole

12:27lives believing this and remained in

12:30violent , abusive , or deeply unbalanced

12:33relationships because they confused

12:35love with the capacity to endure pain .

12:39What interests me in that scene is

12:40something else . That man accepted

12:43discomfort and a risk in the face of a

12:45concrete situation where someone needed

12:48help . What we can transpose to our

12:52relationships from the video is not the

12:55idea of martyrdom , but the willingness

12:58not to abandon the other simply because

13:01helping them momentarily interrupts our

13:04comfort . If you enjoy these

13:07conversations where we start from

13:09everyday situations to understand what

13:11lies behind them through psychoanalysis

13:13, I would like to take this opportunity

13:15to ask you to subscribe to our channel .

13:19Every week we have new content trying

13:22to translate behaviors , relationships ,

13:24and experiences that are often part of

13:27our lives without us realizing where

13:29they come from . So subscribe , stay with

13:33me , because there is one last dimension

13:35to this story , which might just be the

13:38most important one . When we think of

13:41great acts of courage , we usually

13:43imagine extraordinary situations .

13:46A man alone managing to lift a car

13:47weighing nearly 2,000 pounds .

13:50But daily life rarely asks us for

13:52heroism . It asks for attention . And

13:55perhaps attention is a much scarcer

13:58resource today than we imagine . We are

14:02physically present and mentally absent

14:04with enormous frequency . We talk while

14:09looking at our phones , we listen while

14:11thinking about what we are going to

14:13reply . We ask : " How are you ? " Without

14:16necessarily being prepared for an

14:19answer other than " I'm fine . " This

14:22doesn't mean we've become bad people ;

14:25it means our attention has been

14:27fragmented , and caring for someone now

14:30requires a deliberate gesture of

14:33presence . Perhaps this is one of the

14:35most interesting ways to bring that

14:37story into our own lives . We don't need

14:41to wait for someone to be surrounded by

14:43bees to discover if we are capable of

14:45noticing others . And this question

14:48appears inside your home , in

14:51friendships , at work , in the small

14:53behavioral changes of the people we

14:56live with . This change also appears

14:59when someone starts to isolate

15:01themselves , when a person who always

15:02talked a lot stops talking . When a

15:05teenager changes abruptly , when a

15:07friend repeats they are tired in a way

15:10that now sounds different . None of

15:14these signs in isolation authorize us

15:15to diagnose people , and it would be

15:17irresponsible to do so . But they can

15:21authorize us to pay attention and to

15:23ask . There is a huge difference between

15:27invading someone's life and showing

15:29interest and availability . Sometimes ,

15:32for fear of being intrusive , we

15:34distance ourselves too much . We think

15:37that if the person wants to talk , they

15:39will talk . But it's not always like

15:42that . Not everyone suffering

15:45psychologically can organize what they

15:47feel and ask for help spontaneously .

15:50That is why a genuine question can open

15:52a door . And if the person doesn't want

15:55to talk , we can respect that . Care

15:58isn't about forcing the other person to

16:00open up , but about making sure they

16:01know there is a place they can turn to .

16:04Care is about the other person being

16:07certain that you are there . I think

16:10that is what that image represents to

16:12me after some time . Initially , I saw a

16:15man taking dozens of stings to save a

16:18girl . Today , I also see a very concrete

16:20representation of something that

16:22sustains our lives from the very

16:24beginning . At certain moments , we need

16:27someone to realize that we aren't

16:29managing on our own . At other times , it

16:33is we who occupy that place for someone

16:36else . Neither of these positions should

16:39be permanent . Those who care for others

16:41also need to be cared for . And those

16:43who receive care need , as they are able

16:46, to recover responsibility for their

16:48own lives . Perhaps healthy

16:51relationships are precisely those in

16:53which these positions can rotate . In

16:57the original video , I ended by saying

16:59that there are people who simply pass

17:01through our lives . There are others who

17:04, because they were there , allowed

17:07someone else to keep on living . I still

17:10think this idea is very important , but

17:12today I would add one more thing . We

17:14don't need to live looking for someone

17:16to save . That can turn into a

17:19problematic way of existing . Perhaps it

17:22is enough just not to be so closed off

17:25within our own lives . So closed off

17:29that we lose the ability to recognize

17:31when someone right beside us needs

17:33presence , needs to be seen . Therefore ,

17:37after watching that scene , the question

17:39that remained for me is no longer : how

17:41many stings would I be willing to take

17:42for someone ? There is another question

17:45that is perhaps more useful for the

17:48life we actually live . Can I still

17:51perceive when someone beside me is not

17:54okay ? Because it is unlikely that

17:58tomorrow you will find a person

17:59surrounded by a swarm of bees and need

18:01to make a heroic decision . But it is

18:05very possible that tomorrow you will

18:07find someone silently trying to get

18:09through the most difficult moment of

18:11their life . And perhaps what that

18:15person needs from you is not a great

18:17solution , nor a perfect speech , nor an

18:19extraordinary sacrifice . Perhaps they

18:23simply need to perceive that , as they

18:26go through this situation , there is

18:28someone present enough not to pass them

18:31by . And I hope that person is you .