Conflict In Relationships

0:00Good day to you. I hope you're doing well. Let's jump into the section on conflict.

0:06It's a really important section because there's potential for conflict in all relationships. So,

0:11we'll dive into that and cover intimacy, self-disclosure, and mainly dealing with

0:17conflict in relationships. And we'll cover people's styles of behavior that might influence

0:22how they approach and try to resolve conflict. Some are good and others, not so much. So,

0:28again, let's dive in, with the objective being to learn how self-disclosure and conflict management

0:34influence relationships in positive or negative ways. Self-disclosure and privacy. We covered

0:41self-disclosure in our previous VA. Privacy, that's the right people have to NOT self-disclose,

0:48to keep their thoughts, info, feelings -- you name it -- to themselves. It's basically the

0:54right people have to remain SILENT. And we're big in America on rights of self-expression. “I can

1:00say that. I can say this.” Again, “I’m not going to silence my voice.” We have the right to express

1:06ourselves, but people sometimes forget we have the right to remain silent and NOT self-disclose,

1:12and make the conscious, deliberate choice to not reveal information. “This one I'm keeping. This

1:20one's just for me. This one I'm not putting out there. I am NOT going to self-disclose this.”

1:25That is managing privacy, which I just said: conscious, deliberate choice to withhold and

1:32not self-disclose. And sometimes that is the ideal thing to do. That's the best way to go,

1:38by far, in some situations. Masking feelings. Here we're concealing the verbal and nonverbal cues or

1:45signals that would allow our partners or people we know to understand what we're thinking or how

1:50we're feeling at the time. So, it's considered unhealthy and ineffective if we're dealing with

1:55conflict. In just limited situations, that being if for whatever the reason or circumstances,

2:02you cannot self-disclose this at the time, this could not come out, and the only way for that

2:08to happen is to mask or hide feelings, well, okay, but that should be a limited thing. If

2:14we're ALWAYS masking or hiding, at its core, it's deceptive and it keeps others from helping us or

2:21even recognizing or realizing we might need help or have issues or things are going on. So, it's

2:27considered something you don't want to do on the regular. Displaying feelings. There's a balance

2:32between the two because displaying feelings can be a strong release for our emotions. It can be

2:37cathartic. It can let us get help because now, people know we need it. If we don't ask for it

2:43or display our emotions, how are we supposed to get the help we might need or even advice we could

2:48use? On the other hand, if people over-display and it seems like they're displaying way too much, too

2:55often -- you might know people like this in your life where it seems like everything -- I don't

3:00care what it is -- every little thing they have to blurt out exactly how they feel, what they think.

3:06“Well, I feel this way. Well, I don't like this. Well, this is lame. Well, that's ridiculous.”

3:11They can't ever NOT say anything, right? They can't ever NOT disclose their feelings and

3:17emotions. Basically, they can't keep anything to themselves. That can be frustrating,

3:23too. That could be a strain as well. And you might think from time to time with those people, “Gee,

3:28can't you keep anything to yourself? Do you always have to act like you're the whole world?” So,

3:34that could be an issue as well. There's a balance there, again, between the two. So the guidelines

3:40again, the guidelines for expressing ourselves or self-disclosure, that's why they're there.

3:48They're often valuable. Constructive criticism. Now, here, we're trying to help someone improve

3:54something with themselves or their life. If it's a relationship and their behavior is hurting or

3:59damaging it, we're trying to let them know that and basically help them get on the right track.

4:04“Let's resolve this. Let me help you.” But right now, there's an issue that's different than just

4:09criticism. The main difference -- in fact, chief difference -- is it's constructive. Constructive

4:15criticism is trying to help or improve. Criticism doesn't really care about that. In fact, criticism

4:22might be designed to hurt someone or bring them down. It doesn't care. Whereas constructive,

4:28“Yeah, I might be upset, but let's try to work. I want to help you. I want this to get better.

4:35I want you, in that sense, to get better or fix this. So, I'm going to try to help.” If

4:40you need to give constructive criticism in relationships, these things can help. One,

4:45it says seek permission first. Seek permission. Now, the idea is people are more inclined to

4:53listen and follow through with constructive criticism if they gave you permission because

4:58then, they can't really say, "Oh, well, you know, how dare you” or “I can't believe you said it."

5:05“Well, you said I could. You basically…you opened the door. You gave me permission.” But you can't

5:10always do this because in some cases, people might not know that they need constructive criticism.

5:16Well, if I don't know, I'm not going to ask for it. And if I don't know, I might not be as

5:22inclined to give permission because I might think you're wrong. You know, I'm right, you're wrong,

5:26you're just off. So, in some cases, you can bypass that one and skip it. But if you do that,

5:31you might say, "Look, I know you didn't ask for this, and you might not want to hear it, but we

5:36got to talk about this. We got to talk about what happened last night or what was said. All right?”

5:42At least then, it's a heads up. So, fair warning. The second: specifically describe the problem

5:48behavior or the issue without judging the person. And that's where things get hard because if you've

5:54been hurt or feel wronged, it's really tempting to hurt them and get them back and make them feel

5:59bad, too. The same way they made YOU feel. The issue is that's not going to resolve the actual

6:05issue itself. That's just going to hurt them back. When they get mad, say something back, now you're

6:10REALLY mad. You say something extra mean back. Now, we're just we're just basically throwing

6:15sticks at each other. It's not going to resolve the issue. So, do your best to focus on the issue

6:21without judging the person as far as what they said or what they did. But if you approach it

6:26as far as “You're so stupid and selfish and just completely naive and utterly insanely,

6:32ridiculously wrong and off and just…” No. Okay? Let's get to the specific issue overall because

6:42at that point, you're just saying, "Yeah, you're a jerk and I don't like you right now." Well,

6:48okay, but what's the issue? Let's get beyond that. Okay? And keep in mind, too, people are more than

6:54what they do. We are more than our mistakes. We are more than our faults. If I asked you,

7:00“You done something stupid before in life,” you'd probably say, "Yeah.” I mean, I have too, right?"

7:05If I said, "Oh, so you're a stupid person." Well, NO. That's not fair to say. It'd be like saying,

7:11"You done something mean before?" Well, yeah. I think we all have. “Oh, so you're a lousy,

7:16mean person, huh? That's how you are.” No, we are more than what we do. So, give people the

7:24grace in remembering that. That can help a lot in that particular scenario. For number three,

7:30preface or start off constructive criticism with a positive or affirming statement if you can. The

7:37idea is if we can start with something nice that's true, it can be a cushion for something negative

7:42to come. As long as it's honest, then that's all right. In fact, there's a Sandwich Model. It's

7:48called the Sandwich Model, where businesses often use this where you start with something nice,

7:53you bring out the negative, then you end with something nice as well. So, a sandwich basically,

7:58right? Nice, negative, nice, and there's your sandwich, with the whole idea being people can

8:04better take negative if they have something nice or positive to start off with. The exceptions are

8:10if you can't think of anything nice, don't just make something up. Or if you know the person and

8:16their style and they don't like sandwiches -- and some folks don't. Their view is just, “Give it to

8:21me straight. Go right to the negative. Be blunt. Give it to me direct.” If that's how they are,

8:26then let them have it. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change or improve

8:31their behavior. That one's crucial because the whole point of constructive criticism is

8:37to help someone. If you're not giving advice to help or offering ways they can help themselves,

8:43what value is it? What's it really worth? In fact, that could make things WORSE. It'd be like,

8:49let's say, in a class setting, I dismiss class. You're heading out. I call you back. I say, "Hey,

8:54come see me for a second, okay?" And you come see me and I say, "Yeah, I'm concerned about

8:58your grade in here. It looks like you're going to fail the class. Looks like you're going to fail.

9:04Have a nice weekend!" Well, wait a minute. I mean, that just makes it WORSE. Like, don't

9:10just tell me I'm going to fail. Like, “WHY? How? What did I miss? I thought I was doing good. Like,

9:14what happened? And can I get back on track? Can I still do something? Can I salvage my grade?”

9:20But basically, HELP me. Don't just say, "Yeah, I called you in here because you're screwed. You're

9:25gonna fail. Take care." No, that just makes it worse. So, offer the ideas to actually improve,

9:32to actually change things. That's the biggie. And consider if and how that could – oh, by the way,

9:39this says “when appropriate.” And you might think, “Okay, well, when would it NOT be appropriate?”

9:44Well, if it's an issue where you're not comfortable or there's a huge risk in doing so and

9:49offering how they should change or how they could fix it or if it's something they can't control,

9:54there is nothing worse as far as making people feel attacked and getting them annoyed or angry

10:00if they feel like they're being criticized for something beyond their control. If they

10:06can't control it, how are they supposed to fix it? It'd be like if you planned an event with

10:11friends and it was outside and it rained that day and your friends said, "Well, you can't

10:16plan anything." Well, that's harsh. You can't control the weather. That's not YOUR fault. So,

10:21again, you wouldn't like that because that was out of your control. Now, the last:

10:26Consider if and how that constructor criticism might affect your relationship. Could it affect

10:32your relationship? Kind of goes back to how might the person respond. Could there be issues with

10:38that? Could there be risks involved with that? And if so, is it WORTH it? Are you willing or

10:44able to accept those risks? Different types of behavior in relationships. Three main types. And

10:50these all encourage or reflect how people deal with conflict. One, passive behavior. People

10:58who are passive give in to others and let them have their way. “You win. We'll do it your way.”

11:04So, the idea is if it's done too often or too extremely, “You're important, I'm NOT as

11:09important.” Now you might think, “Okay, if people are selfless like that -- selfless and thinking of

11:16others – ‘I'm going to let you have your way.’ I'm going to show consideration,’ they should get that

11:20in return. It should be fair.” The problem is we probably know that's often not true. Instead, they

11:27get taken advantage of. They get walked on, walked all over, as the saying goes. And that can cause

11:33passive aggressive behavior in them eventually. Resentment, just personal unhappiness as far as

11:39“Everybody else gets their way and it seems like all my friends are happy except me and half the

11:44time, it's at MY expense. I deserve…what about ME, right? Am I chopped liver?” So that could

11:50certainly be an issue. Why are people passive? Well, they're passive because they fear the cost,

11:57perhaps, or they're insecure in that relationship. If I assert myself and say what I want or how I'm

12:02feeling, they might think less of me. They might be disappointed. It might make them unhappy. Or,

12:08in the worst-case scenarios, they might lash out or hurt me. And that's a serious situation.

12:13Obviously, if it's an abusive or dysfunctional relationship, that fear can be real because the

12:19last time I voiced my concerns or stood up for myself, I got hurt. Yeah, I'm going to think twice

12:25about doing so again. That's a horrible spot to be in. They have low self-esteem. If you don't think

12:32you're worth asserting yourself and saying what you want or how you feel, you're less inclined to

12:37do so. If you're less inclined to do so and you're passive as a result, people might take advantage

12:43of you. If they take advantage of you, that keeps self-esteem low in the first place. We get a cycle

12:49of negativity, in that sense. So, that one is severe as well, or can be. They value the other

12:56person above themselves. And I see this sometimes where people have the idea, “Oh, I should thank

13:01my lucky stars they chose some loser like me because they're all this, they're all that,

13:05and I'm just nothing compared to them. I'm just dirt beneath…” That kind of thinking or attitude

13:11really encourages dysfunctionality because after a while, if the other person knows that's how the

13:16person feels, that power might go to their head. If you put somebody on a pedestal and treat them

13:22like a god, you might not like how they respond to that, to their new position above you. So,

13:29frankly, you could argue that kind of thinking at the extreme – “they're wonderful. I'm crap. Oh,

13:34I'm so…you know, they're all that. I'm just nothing” -- is really pathetic. It's not true.

13:39You BOTH have value. That's why you're together. You're not a loser. Neither are they. They're

13:44cool. So are you. So are you. So, watch out for doing that. That can cause severe issues. On the

13:51other hand, we just trashed the passive style. Is it ever okay to give in to others and be passive?

13:56Sure. It's OFTEN okay. It's okay when we don't really care as far as it's not that big of a deal.

14:03Let's say, for example, there's a couple and they were going to go to Taco Bell and they talked

14:08about that last week. Every week they go somewhere and next week, “Oh, Taco Bell, they got that new

14:13item, the toasted cheddar cheese dipping chalupa, whatever you want to call it. I I'm excited about

14:19this.” So, next week, we're going to Taco Bell. So, next week rolls around and the other one says,

14:23"Oh, there's a new restaurant opened up. They're having a special tonight. Do you care if we go

14:28there? You know, just for tonight because it's a brand-new place?” Okay. Now, is that a big deal?

14:33Probably not. Am I gonna say, “You said last week we could have Taco Bell. You LIE.” No,

14:41that's…it's not that big of a deal. Most likely I'll, you know, pick it up later. We'll go here

14:46now. We'll go to Taco Bell later. Taco Bell is not going to close. So, it's not that big of a

14:51deal. And that's the idea. It's okay to give in when it's OKAY TO GIVE IN, when we're okay with

14:57doing so. We don't mind because it's not that big of a deal. Maybe it's annoying or inconvenient,

15:02but it's going to help them out. Help them be happy or feel good helping somebody move. Nobody

15:07wants to help a friend move. Nobody likes moving. But if my friend needs me and I'm there -- I can

15:13be there. I got the time -- Yeah, I'll help. They're my friend. So, we have the right to

15:19basically fall on each other and ask each other for help in those situations. Same with lovers,

15:24romantic people. You name it. It's okay to give in when it's okay because that's for them. It's

15:29worth it or I don't mind. It's real small. Who cares? Then it's okay. Aggressive behavior.

15:35This is the opposite. Aggressive people are basically “My way or the highway. I WILL get

15:39my way. If you don't like it, tough.” Well, the issue there, of course, is it pushes people away.

15:45It encourages loneliness. It's an off-putting style and it takes advantage of others. So,

15:51it doesn't encourage good relationships. Why are people aggressive? They perceive themselves as

15:56powerful. They think they're all that. They act that way. They get their way until they

16:00push people away. But in the meantime, it must be working. I'll keep at it. They don't value

16:05the other person. That speaks for itself. Or they justify, "Yeah, I know you're upset, but trust me,

16:12I know what's best for both of us. If I get my way, we'll both win. I let you have your way,

16:18you'll mess things up. Your idea is going to hurt us both. I know what's best for both of us." And

16:23that's typically a bunch of crap. But that's the idea. At the core, they're not putting as much

16:28value on the other person as they are themselves. And some people make no bones about that. They

16:35lack emotional control. Speaks for itself. People assume, “It's my emotions, I can control them.

16:41Their mine, I can control them.” Well, you sure? And now, do you know issues before? Have you had

16:47those issues where you lost control, lost your temper, lost a job, lost previous relationships

16:53because you couldn't control your emotions? So, that's a big deal. So, challenge yourself in that

16:59sense, if you think that might be the case. And if so, seek help in that regard. Help's

17:03available. It certainly is, and people say, "Oh, emotional help. That's uh, going down THAT path…”

17:11That's just ridiculous. I've never understood that. You break your leg, you go get your leg

17:16fixed. If it's your emotions that are broken or you can't control them, why would you not want

17:21to get THAT fixed? What, that's not as important as your leg? Come on. So, it's ALL important. I

17:29think that's worth pointing out. Really do. Now, since we trashed the aggressive style,

17:33when is it the best style to use? It's the best style when it's the ONLY one left. When the others

17:39can't or will not work. So, in cases where it's an emergency, life or death, your personal safety,

17:45you're at risk if you don't defend yourself, and the only way is to be aggressive…sure.

17:52Pushing somebody down the stairs. Oh, that's a…you shouldn't do that. That's a terrible thing to do.

17:58Well, unless the person you pushed was charging at you with a knife. Yeah, push them, kick them,

18:04right? Take care of them. Get them down those stairs. And hopefully when they hit the bottom,

18:08they're knocked out. Otherwise, they're still a threat because, again, they were waving a knife

18:12at you. So, that's an extreme example, but you get the idea. The aggressive style is the best style

18:18when it's the only style left we can feasibly use in that situation. But sometimes people jump right

18:25to aggressive when, nah, there were other ways you could have handled that. Didn't have to be

18:30aggressive. You say, “Well, I had no choice. I loved that movie. My so-called friend said

18:36it was crap, so I punched him.” What? No, you got some anger issues there. Assertive behavior. So,

18:44if passive says “You're important and I'm not,” and aggressive says “I'm important, you're not,”

18:51assertive is cool. It says, “Don’t hurt others and don't let them hurt you.” You're cool. I'm cool.

18:58Don't mess with me. I won't mess with you. I love this style, this balanced approach. To practice

19:04this one, in conflict, identify what you're thinking or feeling. What's going on? What is up?

19:11Specifically identify what that actually is. And that's key to be specific because sometimes…Ever

19:19have a case where you sense, let's say you're with somebody and you get the idea they're mad at you

19:24or they're not too happy with you, but you don't know why. So, you ask them, "Why are you mad?"

19:30They look at you, then they get even madder. They say, "You don't know?" You're like, "No,

19:35that's why I'm asking. What? What's going on?” “You seriously don't know?" Now they're right

19:40getting hotter. “No, I can't believe…if you're that stupid, I'm not going to tell you.” Okay.

19:47Well, they're going to stay ignorant and you're going to stay POd and neither one is good. So, you

19:54might think, "Ah, they should know and I shouldn't have to tell them,” but if they don't know, they

19:58don't know. TELL THEM. Goodness, gracious. Get on with it. Number two, analyze the cause of those

20:03feelings. What's causing this? And be honest. Is it all on them? Is it ALL them? Or is it partly

20:09YOU? Are you contributing? Are you responsible, at least partially? Could it be issues like work,

20:15life, family, friends, job, career, school, things like that? Moving, right? Florida? I don't know…

20:21anything like that. What could factor in? Identify the rights, wants, and expectations you have,

20:28what those are. What do you want here to resolve this conflict? And is that itself reasonable?

20:34Or are you expecting too much, being unfair, being selfish, or are you wrong to want or to

20:40expect that because it is asking too much or it's unreasonable? Again, honesty, that's crucial. This

20:46will NOT work if we're not honest with ourselves and our relationship. Focus on the issue or source

20:52of conflict and explain or defend your position politely but firmly. That is assertive behavior.

20:58If you drop eye contact and say, "Well, I I kind of, sort of – now, I might be wrong -- I

21:02might be wrong, but I kind of…” That’s too weak, too passive. If you glare and stare and “I'll

21:08TELL you what we're going to,” you know, that’s too aggressive. So, firmly but politely explain

21:14your position or defend yourself. That's the idea. That's the approach with the assertive style. Now,

21:20variations in these styles based on culture. We will skip Western culture for now. For Latin and

21:27Hispanic culture, Latin and Hispanic culture, they tend to use a more aggressive approach in

21:33resolving or dealing with conflict because of the term “machismo.” Machismo in America translates

21:39as “macho.” And if somebody is macho, you don't mess with them. So, the idea is Latin and Hispanic

21:45culture, because they're very much group- and family-based, they value honor tremendously. So,

21:52if somebody messes with you or says something or does something to defile your honor,

21:57you don't take that. You let them know. You put them in their place and basically,

22:02you get back at them, they had it coming. So, the machismo style there encourages a more aggressive

22:07approach overall. I had a student one time -- and he was joking -- but he said, "Yeah, when we go

22:13to buy a car or negotiate or do something where there's haggling involved or dealmaking, I always

22:18bring my girlfriend." And I said, "Oh, okay. Why is that?” And he smiled and he said, "Well,

22:25um, she's Hispanic, and she really…she'll let him have it. She'll just go to town and, ‘No, we're

22:30not taking 12 grand for that. No more than 10. You know, 10, five, five is not 10.’ And it's like she

22:36gets into that. She kind of likes it.” He's like, “I just step back and let her go to war.” So,

22:40I thought that was kind of interesting. Kind of made me chuckle. All right. Then, Asian culture,

22:45it's seen as more passive overall in dealing with conflict. More passive overall with the

22:51idea being in American culture, America has an old saying, “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”

22:57The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Who are the squeaky wheels? The people that complain, the

23:02people that voice their concerns, the customers at Starbucks or wherever you might work, who maybe

23:09you've seen them grumble and complain, “I want to see the manager!” Basically, I hate to say it,

23:16but the Karens out there, the Karens get the grease, they complain to get it. Asian culture has

23:24a different saying. Their saying is “The nail that sticks out shall be hammered down.” Think about

23:30that for a sec: The nail that sticks out shall be hammered down. So, their view is if you complain

23:37and squawk and squeak too much, come on. That's not fair. It's undignified. You're making a scene,

23:45making a spectacle of yourself, and you might get put in your place. And maybe that's what

23:51you deserved. So, they value dignity. Dealing with things internally on one's own, not making a fuss,

23:57not making a scene, just quietly dealing with things or sometimes basically putting up with

24:02it. It was a cup of coffee. Who cares that the whipped cream was misshapen? Goodness.

24:08Sit down. Right? Sit your…all right. So, it's a different view there with the Asian culture

24:14that encourages more passive approaches. Western culture, America -- America in particular -- is

24:20seen as aggressive or assertive, either one. I'd say assertive/aggressive depending on who's in

24:26charge at the time, what's going on, but we're not seen as a passive nation overall. Not typically.

24:32We're usually seen as assertive or aggressive or a combination of those two overall. So, we'll have

24:38negotiations and discussion with many nations. But the idea is if we don't like something, we might

24:44ratchet up the pressure, sanctions, restrictions, embargos, use of force, perhaps. And we could

24:50argue that's not always bad. If we're using force against a really horrible regime and it helps save

24:56the people, right? You've heard this before. So again, not always bad. It's just a difference,

25:03right? A difference in viewpoints overall. But the big thing is I don't think America is seen as

25:09passive overall in most situations. One of the two there between assertive or aggressive, or a mix of

25:16both. Conflict in relationships. All right. So the main thing is how do we resolve conflict? We

25:24talked about it. We talked about if we can resolve it, that can be a blessing for both people. Well,

25:29how do people resolve conflict? What are some methods for doing so? Let's close out with that.

25:34One style is the avoiding style. This is withdrawal. If I withdraw from the conflict,

25:40I avoid it. Which basically means, “You win. We don't have a conflict.” Actually, I shouldn't say

25:47“You win.” That's different. Avoiding is exactly what it says. “I'm going to walk away from the

25:52conflict. Withdraw from it. Avoid it. Basically, I am NOT having this conversation. We're not having

25:57this discussion. I'M not, anyway. I'm out of here.” And I walk away. That's avoiding. Now, the

26:03issue is it's not going to resolve the conflict unless it goes away on its own, but typically that

26:08doesn't work that way. It might make it worse if the other person wants to resolve it and I'm the

26:13one walking away and they're saying behind me, "Oh, yeah, figures. Yeah, just keep walking.

26:17Just walk away. Just be a coward. You never want to resolve things, never want to work on things. I

26:22guess I'm not worth it. We're not worth it. Yeah. Keep walking.” All that, right? You’re going to

26:27make it worse then, in that sense, because it might show to the other person you don't care

26:31enough about them to want to resolve it. When's it best to use the avoiding style, to walk away

26:37and withdraw? When you HAVE to. If tempers are about to flare, either one is about to say or do

26:44something regretful, emotions are running high. It's best to get away, calm down, cool off, sort

26:50through things, gather your thoughts, and come back later with a better, fresher perspective.

26:55But you DO want to come back at some point, unless you can't -- unless it's a safety thing, then,

27:00of course, but otherwise, do continue the conflict at a later date. Accommodating. This reflects the

27:07passive behavior. This is when I say, “Okay you win. We'll do it your way. All right.” So,

27:13there's no conflict maybe, but maybe there IS because I just gave in because, you know, I

27:20wasn't going to win or I felt like I couldn't this time. But I'm still upset and I shouldn't have had

27:25to have given in, and I'm going to get back at you at some point. I'll make you…So, you see where I'm

27:31going with this? Passive aggressive. This could encourage passive aggressive (behavior). So, don't

27:36accommodate is the idea. Don't accommodate unless you're comfortable doing so. Don't give in unless

27:41you feel like it's worth it. You can, you should, it's no big deal. Things like that. Forcing. This

27:46reflects aggressive behavior. Has the same pros and cons as aggressive behavior, which we just

27:52covered. Compromising. So, this one reflects accommodating and assertive behavior. It's often

28:00seen as the golden method. If people compromise, all right. Well, what is it? If they compromise,

28:05both people lose or give up something to resolve the conflict. Neither gets exactly what they want,

28:11but they both get something closer than what they could have had. So, we both got what we wanted,

28:16kind of, and as long as it's equal, neither one outgained the other. So, an example years ago,

28:24one of my students said, you know, they're living in an apartment complex with their girlfriend,

28:29I believe, girlfriend, boyfriend, and the student said, “I like I like my place around, we'll say

28:3470, we'll say 72. And the person I'm with, they're cold and they want it, they want it somewhere,

28:43we'll say we'll say 78 in that sense.” Okay. We'll say 76. All right. So 72, right? They're too cool.

28:5476, they're too hot. If they compromise, the thermostat goes to 74. That is compromise by the

29:01numbers, literally, where they both gave up two degrees. So neither got exactly what they wanted,

29:07but they both got something closer than what they could have had. Compromise is often seen as the

29:13best technique, but it's really not. Collaboration is the best technique overall, but in some cases,

29:20it's tough to collaborate, maybe even impossible, or it might seem that way. At its core,

29:26with compromise, you've got two people who lost. Two equal losers. Not losers as people, but they

29:33both lost. They just lost EQUALLY. So, okay, it was even, but they were still losing, that was

29:39involved with that. Whereas collaboration, this is assertive behavior. With this one,

29:45we can both WIN. Neither one has to lose. We don't have to compromise. And if you're thinking, “Oh,

29:51well, how's that work? And what's the difference between that and compromising?” Let's use a movie

29:56as an example. Let's say you got a couple and every Friday is movie night. They pick their movie

30:01ahead of time and they go see it. And this week they're having trouble picking one. And one says,

30:05"I want to see movie A. That sounds good." The other says, "I want to see movie B. That sounds

30:12really good." And the other one says, "Oh, I don't want to really see B." And they say,

30:16"Well, I don't really want to see A." Okay, so there's a conflict as far as what movie to see.

30:21If they compromise, they might say, "Okay, well, how about we see movie A this week and we'll see

30:28movie B next week." That's compromise. They both got what they wanted -- with some strings

30:35attached, right? They both have to see the movie they also DON’T want to see. So, a little bit of

30:42strings attached, right? There's some losing involved. What if they collaborate? Is there a

30:47way they could both WIN and resolve this? Ideally, one of my students one time said they could break

30:53up. Jimminy Christmas. This is a person who takes their movies seriously. No, they don't want to

30:58break up. What else could we do? One of them said, "Well, you can see the movie, uh, they could go to

31:06the first one in the afternoon and see the second one later,” but they're still seeing the movie

31:10they don't want to see. And one of my students said, "Well, now, wait a minute. It's a theater,

31:14right?" I said, "Yeah, there's more than one movie. Oh, yeah, there's 14. It's a big megaplex.”

31:20“Okay. Well, couldn't they just both see a different movie that they both like?” Bingo.

31:27THAT’S collaboration. So, in that case, we'll just pick something else that we both want to

31:32see. That way, we're BOTH happy and neither one of us has to lose. Collaboration and

31:37compromise are similar as far as it takes two willing people, especially for collaboration.

31:42Collaboration usually takes more brainstorming, more thought, more critical thinking. At its core,

31:48if we pull it off, it is better, and the best style of all because it involves both

31:53people winning. Neither one has to lose or give up something. So, that's the best approach overall.

31:59And that's the end of the section. Appreciate your time, like always. I'll come back with

32:03the next VA soon. Looking forward to seeing you again. Until then, you take care. Have a good one.

32:10[Manually reviewed and captioned May 2026]