Cuốn sách GIẢI PHÓNG TƯ TƯỞNG của mình

0:00If I had to choose one book that has had the greatest impact on my way of thinking, it would be "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

0:09I have an English version, which I've been reading since 2016, and a Vietnamese version, which I recently received in 2023.

0:14I've read both versions multiple times and have made many notes in them. I've even written two reviews of the book, in 2016 and 2019.

0:24To this day, the book still holds immense value and influence on my thoughts, and I make an effort to reread it at least once every year.

0:31So, what are "The Four Agreements"? These are the life principles of the ancient Toltec, conveyed by the author in English with modern examples.

0:40It starts with the first agreement: "Be impeccable with your word", or in the Vietnamese edition, it's translated as "Use positive language".

0:48Simply put, this agreement means you should not engage in negative speech. We shouldn't speak ill of others or spread rumors.

0:56We are all taught this from a young age. I've been the same, but life with all its cravings, anger, and ignorance, makes it easy to fall into the

1:05mistake of speaking badly about others, or saying things that hurt others or ourselves. However, it wasn't until I read this book that

1:15I truly understood the deeper meaning of words and why the author refers to them as a "curse" that can affect and haunt a person for a lifetime.

1:25Let me give you an example: Imagine when you were a child, innocent and pure, like a blank sheet, full of self-confidence and self-love.

1:34But then, one day, someone, maybe annoyed or upset about something unrelated to you, sees you and says something like:

1:42"Oh, this kid, so ugly, ugly boy, ugly girl," and they might point out what they see as flaws in you, like dark skin, a sharp nose, small eyes, etc.

1:54Suddenly, those words get imprinted in your consciousness, and as a child, you naturally start feeling unattractive, focusing on those flaws

2:06that others have pointed out to you. Every time you look in the mirror, see a photo of yourself, or hear others commenting on you,

2:14you become more conscious about your looks and develop a sense of inferiority about your appearance.

2:18If you believe those words, as you grow up, your appearance becomes a sensitive issue, making you feel insecure.

2:26You may also start imposing this negative mindset onto others, you easily notice and comment negatively on others' appearances because

2:37you've become accustomed to people saying such things to you. Who knows, one day, you might end up saying such negative things to a child

2:45and this cycle of negativity repeats itself. And this issue doesn't just stop at appearances; it extends to many other small aspects of life.

2:53Let me share with you an example from the book. There was a very intelligent and caring woman who had a daughter she loved dearly.

3:00One night, she returned home after a tiring and stressful day, her head pounding. All she wanted was to rest in silence, but her daughter was

3:09joyfully dancing and singing. Unaware of her mother's condition, she was living in her own dream world, a world of childhood innocence,

3:21imagination, and positivity. The girl felt so happy that she sang louder and danced more enthusiastically to express her joy and love.

3:30However, her singing became so loud that it intensified her mother's headache. At one moment, the mother couldn't take it anymore.

3:38She angrily looked at her daughter and yelled, "Stop your terrible singing, will you be quiet now?"

3:44The truth was, the mother just couldn't bear the loud singing, not that the girl was singing badly.

3:51From that moment, the girl believed her mother's words. She agreed, and as the author says, once you agree, you believe what others say.

4:00It's like signing an agreement with that belief, and it follows you throughout your life, or until you realize and break free from that spell.

4:10After that incident, the girl stopped singing, believing she was terrible at it and would bother others.

4:17She became shy at school and would immediately refuse if suggested she sing. Even interacting with others became extremely difficult for her.

4:27Everything changed because of a new belief: she thought she had to suppress her emotions to be accepted and loved.

4:36The example I just shared really resonates with me because of my background in education and my exposure to numerous studies

4:41demonstrating how the words spoken to us or the way we were treated as children can shape us as adults.

4:49I, too, have been a victim, so to speak, of such harmful words. In the past, I was criticized for being bad at math because I focused on literature,

4:58and also for being poor at English, as my family couldn't afford additional English lessons when I was young.

5:04I remember my first English teacher in fourth grade. The first time she called me to stand up in front of the class to read a dialogue,

5:13I couldn't pronounce it correctly. As I mentioned, I didn't have the opportunity to learn from a young age.

5:18Once, the teacher asked, "Hey, name?" without any context. When I answered with my name, she remarked, "Such a nice name, but

5:28so poor at studies." That comment, perhaps thoughtless on her part, deeply imprinted itself in my mind and affected me significantly.

5:39It made me extremely scared of learning English. I felt like I was born bad at this subject, and since I didn't have the opportunity to study it properly,

5:49I avoided it all the more. Similarly, with math, I was often told I was bad at it. Even when I scored high in math, teachers would say it was

6:04more about hard work than intelligence. This belief stuck with me from a young age: I was good at literature but bad at math.

6:14I was so afraid of making mistakes that I wouldn't even do basic calculations in my head.

6:20I first read "The Four Agreements" while studying for my doctorate in the U.S. And despite having come so far, I still felt insecure about my English

6:31and my math skills. But after reading the book, I did an exercise. I wrote down all the negative things people had said about me

6:46from childhood to adulthood. Then, I added a column to mark if they were true or not. 'True' meant these were flaws I couldn't improve.

6:57They were inherent weaknesses of mine. Another column was for question marks, for things I needed to explore more to see

7:09if they really were my weaknesses or just beliefs I had internalized like, "If someone says I have this flaw, then it must be true."

7:21So, after going through a process of rewriting those thoughts, self-reflecting, and then actually putting myself to the test,

7:28I studied English again, relearned math, and wrote articles. I proved to myself that I was not bad at English or math.

7:35Today, as you may know, I am a university professor. I lead research projects and have published numerous works in English

7:44and utilized complex algorithms. If it weren't for this book, honestly, I would never have had the confidence to do the things I do now,

7:53and to prove myself as the author suggests, breaking free from the curses of childhood to become a person who is free, unconfined, and

8:01not held back by others' comments. And also, after reading this book, I refuse to speak harmful words and don't engage in gossip.

8:12Even if people think I am not sociable, I accept it because I want to be impeccable with my words.

8:21I don't want to continue that cycle for myself or others. That's the first philosophy of this book: Be impeccable with your words

8:29The second agreement is not to take everything personally, or as the Vietnamese translation suggests, not to let yourself be influenced.

8:37The author emphasizes that whatever people say about you stems from their own world, their own experiences, their perspective on life,

8:50and what they have been through. You are not necessarily related to that.

8:54So, whether people speak ill or well of us, we shouldn't take their words as wholly about us.

9:02For instance, if someone says you are a failure, don't believe it, because everyone has their own definition of success and failure.

9:10Their comment about you failing is entirely from their perspective and their own world.

9:15And if someone says you are successful, don't attribute that success entirely to yourself.

9:20Only you know what success means to you, the sacrifices, losses, and bitterness you've experienced.

9:26Therefore, you don't need to prove to anyone else whether you are a success or a failure, nor agree or disagree with others' comments

9:35Don't take everything personally. This is extremely difficult, and I must admit, it's the hardest of the four agreements for me.

9:43But, as the author says, once you free yourself from the influence of others, becoming immune to their comments,

9:52you can find peace in your own world. You start to ponder those comments, how much of them are true, how much is false,

10:02and what you truly are like. Even if the comments are true, they do not affect you 100%, because you

10:09understand that your starting point is different from others, your view of life is different, and only you truly understand yourself.

10:16For me, as someone involved in research and content creation on social media, this agreement means

10:22I need to learn how to separate my products from my personal self. For example, in research, anyone who publishes a scientific paper

10:31or announces a research project knows that it will undergo many rounds of review and scrutiny.

10:38I often receive numerous rejections for publication or funding, or even after the project gets approved and published,

10:48I still receive comments and contrary opinions from others.

10:53Regarding videos, podcasts, or blogs, as you know, social media is a challenging environment to thrive in without resilience,

11:03because everyone has a different opinion. I receive a lot of negative comments daily, not necessarily because the video is poor or

11:11my communication is unclear, but sometimes because the viewer is having a bad day, and something in my video or words touches

11:21a sore spot in them. Thus, they express negativity, which can be very biased and intended to hurt me.

11:29Every time I receive a rejection, a critique, or negative comments, I sit back and remind myself of this agreement:

11:36don't take everything personally.

11:38The products I create are not me. If my product is criticized for not being good, it doesn't mean I'm a bad or incompetent person.

11:45It just means that the product, at that moment, wasn't good enough for the people who reviewed it.

11:50I have to separate my products, or my work outcomes, from my personal self. I can learn from the criticism to improve my future products.

12:00I can learn from it to better myself, but it doesn't mean I attribute the negative comments about my creations back to my personal self.

12:10This does not let the harmful and negative aspects of life seep into my being.

12:16Once I learn to separate my achievements from my personal self, I become immune to societal criticism of me.

12:24I can make mistakes, but that's not 100% of who I am. I can learn and grow.

12:29Third Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions

12:33The author believes that we humans tend to project our judgments onto a situation, assuming things in our minds and believing in them.

12:42Instead of striving to understand, verify the actual information, or directly asking someone to see if our thoughts align with reality.

12:52For example, say you walk past a colleague at work, and they don't greet you. You might think, "Oh, this person must be angry with me.

13:02They must have something against me; they are boycotting me." Then you start bad-mouthing that colleague,

13:08paying close attention to them, or even trying to form alliances with others to speak ill of them, to feel safer and more protected within a group.

13:20But what is the truth? The truth might be that your colleague didn't see you that day, or they were preoccupied with their own worries,

13:29so they didn't pay attention to their surroundings. But instead of directly asking them, we humans tend to make assumptions in our minds.

13:38Once we believe these assumptions, it's like signing an agreement with ourselves, and we keep repeating it in our heads until it becomes our truth.

13:45This is the danger of making assumptions. The author of the book rightly points out that

13:52the closer and more familiar our relationships are, the more prone we are to making these assumptions. We impose expectations like,

14:01"If you really understand me as a close friend, or as a spouse, or as my child, you should know what I'm thinking, right?"

14:14I don't need to say it out loud, people should guess my thoughts, right? But in reality, no one has supernatural abilities to read your mind.

14:23So, it's very hard for others to guess your thoughts if you don't express them. And you continue to make assumptions like,

14:31"If they can't guess what I'm thinking, it means they don't love me, they don't understand me, this and that."

14:36There are so many problems with this kind of assumption-making.

14:39] I was born into a very traditional Hanoi family, where communication is layered, saying one thing but meaning ten

14:48When I started dating my current husband, who comes from a different culture, we faced many challenges and arguments.

15:02I believed that since we were in a relationship, he should automatically understand my unspoken thoughts.

15:11For example, if I didn't want this thing but I said that I did, he should be able to guess it.

15:17My husband shared his thoughts: in his restaurant, when customers came in and ordered, they needed to clearly state what they wanted.

15:30Even if the order was complex, like frying only half the fish or adding chili to one part but not the other, they needed to

15:42make it clear so he can prepare the dish correctly. Everything worked out fine in the end.

15:47But if customers didn't speak up, he ended up preparing a dish they didn't like, leading to complaints and arguments.

15:55From this "foody" example, my husband said that we needed to improve our communication skills.

16:01I realized I had to relearn how to communicate more straightforwardly. I must express what I want 100%, which is particularly

16:12challenging for women, especially those from an Asian background and a Northern education like mine. I truly understand this challenge.

16:19But we need to learn how to express our thoughts but in a polite, gentle, and respectful manner, yet it must be the truth.

16:28If we don't speak 100% the truth, then we won't feel 100% satisfaction. Even if we communicate with others 100% and the answer is no,

16:39say, if we want something and we express it, and the other person says, 'Ah, this is not possible,'

16:41then we actually give them a chance to explain why it's not possible, and then we understand, 'Ah, OK, I accept that.'

16:48This is part of liberating ourselves. I think so, because we are not suppressed by our own emotions, we don't imprison ourselves

16:57'Ah, oh, this means this and mean that,' there are many things that are not the truth.

17:02The act of allowing oneself to fully express one's thoughts represents a form of liberation.

17:07Similarly, it gives the other person in the relationship the opportunity to experience this same freedom.

17:13Living in a relationship without clear communication can be extremely stifling for both oneself and one's partner.

17:194. Always do your best

17:23but remember, do your best, not more or less. If you overexert yourself, you're at risk of exhaustion, and you won't be able to sustain it.

17:34On the other hand, if you do less than your best and don't achieve your desired goal, you'll be disappointed and criticize yourself.

17:41Therefore, always give your all in that moment. For instance, if your energy only reaches this point, then go all the way to that point.

17:49Your focus might only go this far, then focus all the way to that point.

17:51And just do your best at this moment, and you'll always be content with your present, as the saying I often mention on this channel: Be present.

18:03The more you give your all in the present, the more you live for the present, the happier you'll be in your current moment.

18:08Have you ever wondered what happens when you give it your all, but the results don't turn out as expected?

18:15Have you ever faced such a situation? I've encountered it many times, and the most recent one was around 2020.

18:22At that time, I had just earned my Ph.D., and I really wanted to find a job as a college professor, a dream job for me.

18:31During that period, as you may know, there was a pandemic, everything was challenging, schools were closing, budgets were being cut,

18:39and competition for a professor or research faculty position at a major U.S. institution was extremely tough.

18:46In the U.S., as you're aware, everyone who wants to apply for such a position has a Ph.D., speaks fluent English,

18:54and individuals from minority backgrounds, non-native English speakers, or those who didn't study in the U.S. like me,

19:00had very limited opportunities to get the position they desired.

19:06I still remember the time I applied for my current position at the University of Arizona.

19:11I was rejected because of the two candidates they were considering, the other person was finally selected

19:21because his research was closely tied to Arizona and was deemed a better match by the hiring committee than my research, which was

19:28focusing on international issues. Upon receiving the rejection, I accepted it gracefully, conveying to my advisor that

19:36despite feeling like a good fit, they had turned me down. My advisor expressed his shock about the decision and reassured me.

19:47I replied with a short, optimistic email: "It's alright, I have no regrets since I gave it my all." And truthfully, I had no regrets.

19:52I don't feel any remorse and actually feel incredibly liberated. I feel relaxed and free because, looking back,

20:04there was nothing else I could have done. I had already put forth my maximum effort at that time. So, even if I went back,

20:11I wouldn't be able to change the situation. As I mentioned, having no regrets is truly fulfilling. About a month after the initial rejection,

20:18the university reached out again, offering me a new position specifically tailored for me. They recognized my excellence

20:29and wanted to foster diversity among the faculty and research topics at the university. As a result, I landed my current position

20:38as an assistant professor at the University of Arizona, my dream job.

20:42I share this story to say that even when you've tried your hardest, sometimes you might not achieve your goals.

20:50But that doesn't mean you should give up or dismiss your efforts.

20:55Reflecting on your wholehearted attempt, you'll still be grateful for the effort and the opportunities that

21:02helped you grow and pave the way for better ones. Therefore, if you can give it your all, you'll always find comfort and freedom.

21:11You'll view success and failure more gently and find liberation for yourself.

21:16As you've seen, these four agreements are simple but not easy to implement. Honestly, this book is not an easy read.

21:26It's abstract, philosophical, and requires you to relate it to your personal circumstances and how you can apply

21:34these four agreements to your situation. I'm curious to know which of these agreements you find most intriguing, the one that makes you think,

21:45"If I can practice this, I can be more free, I can liberate myself." I'm very interested, and I hope that you'll leave a comment below.

21:55Thank you for watching the video, and I'll see you in the next one.

21:59Bye!