Full transcript
0:00how well do you really know yourself
0:02research shows that understanding who
0:04you are can unlock greater happiness
0:06stronger relationships and a clearer
0:08sense of purpose it's not about
0:10Reinventing yourself it's about
0:12discovering what's already there in this
0:14video we'll explore the science of
0:16self-awareness and how to cultivate it
0:18for a more fulfilling life I'm Dr Thomas
0:21smithyman I'm a clinical psychologist
0:23and an author with over 20 years of
0:25experience helping people optimize their
0:27psychological and social health today
0:29with talking about self-concept Clarity
0:32the Cornerstone of self-awareness it's
0:34the key to building unshakable
0:36self-confidence setting meaningful goals
0:38and forming deeper more authentic
0:40connections with others by the end of
0:42this video you will have actionable
0:44steps to deepen your self- understanding
0:46and unlock your true potential so let's
0:49get
0:50started this might be surprising but the
0:53psychology research suggests that many
0:55of our struggles might just come down to
0:58how well we understand ourselves eles so
1:00a few years ago when I was writing my
1:02book I came across some articles about
1:04something called self-concept clarity
1:07now it immediately resonated with me and
1:09it changed how I think about personal
1:11growth today essentially self-concept
1:14Clarity refers to how solid and clearly
1:17defined your understanding of yourself
1:19is so I'm not saying you should be a
1:22certain way just that you should clearly
1:25see whoever you are research
1:27psychologists have a way to measure
1:28self-concept clarity
1:30through simple questions like even if I
1:32wanted to I don't think I could tell
1:34someone what I'm really like my beliefs
1:38about myself often conflict with one
1:41another sometimes I feel I'm not really
1:44the person that I appear to be it's
1:46often hard for me to make up my mind
1:49about things because I don't really know
1:51what I want so the results of this test
1:54can reveal where you
1:56fall and here's why that's such a big
1:59deal research shows that people with
2:01higher self-concept Clarity experience
2:04greater happiness better self-esteem and
2:06a stronger sense of purpose they tend to
2:09have greater resilience in the face of
2:11challenges they're kinder to themselves
2:14and they're less prone to anxiety and
2:16depression they're also more effective
2:18at setting and pursuing meaningful goals
2:21which leads to Greater Life satisfaction
2:23and long-term personal growth this makes
2:25sense when you think about it so
2:27consider the consistent finding that
2:30they are more likely to report living a
2:32meaningful life and having a strong
2:34sense of purpose so without self-concept
2:37Clarity we often drift into activities
2:40that lack personal meaning and we pour
2:42our time and our energy into Pursuits
2:44that ultimately feel unfulfilling right
2:47so this can leave you feeling stuck
2:50leave you feeling unmotivated and
2:52uncertain about your next steps with no
2:54clear path forward but when you clearly
2:57understand who you are and what matter
2:59matters most to you then it's easier to
3:02Define what your purpose is and what
3:04your direction in life is this Clarity
3:07then helps you set meaningful goals that
3:10align with your values and they give you
3:12the grit to stay committed even when
3:15challenges arise research shows that
3:17making progress on these value-driven
3:19goals leads to Greater Life satisfaction
3:22so personally I spent a lot of time
3:24after high school and through college
3:26figuring this out for myself I explored
3:29different subjects I was really
3:30searching for what truly resonated and
3:33it took a while but eventually I
3:35discovered that my core passion is
3:37helping people optimize their
3:39psychological and social health so this
3:42purpose has been an immense source of
3:45energy and focus for me it's a well that
3:47never runs dry and it's allowed me to
3:51achieve everything that I have and any
3:54progress that I make in this area brings
3:57me deep satisfaction if you've watch
3:59watched this video on self Fidelity and
4:02the need to know who you are and own it
4:05you'll understand why self-concept
4:08Clarity is essential for self-confidence
4:11socially anxious people have been found
4:12to be less secure in identifying both
4:15their good and their bad qualities
4:17without self-concept Clarity we will
4:19likely experience more social anxiety
4:22and we'll also be vulnerable to external
4:24pressures so I spoke to someone recently
4:27who shared how this played out in his
4:29life
4:30he told me he avoided expressing his
4:32opinions and He adjusted his behavior to
4:34fit what he thought other people wanted
4:37over time though this left him feeling
4:39increasingly disconnected from his true
4:42self unsure really of like what he
4:45valued or what he believed and this
4:47shows up in the research too his pattern
4:50driven by this need for approval then
4:53only reinforced his anxiety the less
4:55defined your sense of self the more
4:58vulnerable you are to the judgments and
5:00the reactions of others and this can
5:03make socializing exhausting stressful
5:06but when you have self-concept Clarity
5:09everything shifts it acts like a
5:11protective mechanism so you better able
5:13to tolerate differing opinions and
5:16navigate the challenges of social
5:18interactions feeling resilient and
5:20feeling confident I think of
5:21self-concept clarity like the trunk and
5:24the roots of a tree so in the face of
5:27life's challenges and social STS so
5:30strong winds or unpredictable weather a
5:33tree that has Deep Roots and a sturdy
5:36trunk can stand firm it can grow
5:39outwards over time it can be flexible
5:42and it can bend With the Wind without
5:44breaking just as long as its foundation
5:48is
5:49solid so for us a clear solid sense of
5:52self allows us to determine what truly
5:56matters to us so for example it enables
5:59you to hold firm to your values in
6:02social situations even when stressed or
6:05facing
6:07challenges in difficult times
6:10self-concept Clarity becomes even more
6:12important so research shows it gives you
6:14a stronger sense of control over your
6:16life and your future it helps you to
6:18lean into your strengths since you know
6:21them and it helps you to address your
6:23weaknesses constructively again since
6:25you know them and this means you can
6:27make decisions that promote long-term
6:29growth
6:30if you didn't know your strengths and
6:32didn't know your challenges it' be a lot
6:34harder okay when challenges arise people
6:37who have a high selft Clarity concept
6:40tend to choose healthier coping
6:42mechanisms things like active problem
6:45solving or seeking social support rather
6:48than falling into unproductive habits
6:51things like avoidance or rumination so
6:54this self-awareness fostter resilience
6:56and then in the end better outcomes so
6:59how solid is your sense of selfworth
7:03it's worth taking the time to find
7:05out but how well do you actually know
7:08yourself we like to believe we know
7:11ourselves well but what if we're not
7:15quite as self-aware as we think so
7:17research suggests that we may not be
7:19aware of much of what drives our
7:22thoughts our feelings and our behaviors
7:24there was this fascinating book I read
7:26Years Ago by prominent psychologists and
7:28it was called strangers to ourselves and
7:32this book really emphasized that idea
7:35personally I the title might be like a
7:37bit extreme I would argue we're not
7:39complete strangers to ourselves we're
7:42something more like good
7:45friends sometimes for enemies
7:47occasionally friends of benefits sure we
7:51probably know a lot about ourselves but
7:52there's still a surprising amount left
7:54to uncover I personally think most of us
7:57could benefit from getting to know
7:59ourselves a little bit better okay and
8:01then there are cognitive biases that
8:03cloud our self-awareness so for example
8:06things like the fundamental attribution
8:08error where we blame others actions on
8:10their personality they're rude but
8:13excuse our own as situational well I was
8:16in a hurry there's the better than
8:18average effect where most of us manage
8:21to think that we're above average in a
8:22whole range of traits like kindness and
8:25intelligence without any concrete
8:27evidence there's a self- serving bias we
8:30take credit for successes like I got the
8:32job cuz I'm talented but we blame our
8:35failures on external factors the
8:37interviewer was really
8:39biased okay think you're immune well you
8:43might be caught in the bias blind spot a
8:46tendency for us to see biases in other
8:49people but miss them in ourselves
8:52overall honestly it's pretty funny when
8:54you think about it and just to be clear
8:56Jessica this doesn't apply to you or to
8:58you Michael both of you guys are doing
9:00great what's more research shows that
9:02other people may actually understand
9:05aspects of us better than we do which
9:09you know that sounds pretty
9:11counterintuitive but it makes sense if
9:13you think about it others observe us
9:15from the outside so they're noticing
9:18consistent patterns in behavior that we
9:21might Overlook the good news is
9:23self-awareness isn't something fixed you
9:27can cultivate it as a practice clinical
9:30psychologist I see people gain new
9:32insights into themselves every week even
9:36you know after years of
9:39self-reflection and honestly the same
9:40thing happens to me all the time therapy
9:43often involves as a process uncovering
9:46and testing patterns of thinking that we
9:48assume are true but that actually hold
9:50us back so we're actually looking to
9:53purposely update our understanding of
9:55ourselves so self-awareness though
9:58essential takes time and consistent
10:01effort as much as we might like this we
10:04can't just go off to a cabin in the
10:06woods for a weekend and write a bunch of
10:08stuff and come back with this clear
10:09sense of self it can help but that's
10:11just it's not how it works if we neglect
10:15self-discovery we risk waking up one day
10:18feeling disconnected like we're living a
10:21life that lacks real meaning for us and
10:24we're living a life where we are
10:27avoiding what matters to to us and we're
10:30engaging in unproductive coping
10:31strategies or we have shallow
10:33connections with other people and with
10:36ourselves the good news you don't have
10:39to tackle this all at once research
10:42shows that moderate levels of consistent
10:45self-reflection lead to better decisions
10:48and to Greater Insight so by working on
10:52gradually building self-awareness we can
10:53create a life that feels more aligned
10:55and more fulfilling without falling into
10:58the Trap of overthinking and
11:02ruminating how do we build
11:04self-awareness and self-concept Clarity
11:06Brick by Brick okay first I'm going to
11:09surprise you here I'm going to say
11:12therapy yep crazy there's a therapist
11:16who thinks I should do therapy yes do
11:19therapy so therapy is actually a highly
11:21effective way to boost self-concept
11:24Clarity it specifically offers a safe
11:27dedicated space often missing in daily
11:29life where we're supposed to pause
11:32reflect and deepen our understanding of
11:34ourselves over time you will start to
11:37notice there are patterns and themes
11:39that will give you a clearer picture of
11:41who you are they will may be blurry and
11:44it's going to make them a little more
11:46focused a little clear so it's funny
11:49even here at my age I am still amazed at
11:52the new things that I discover about
11:54myself you kind of think I'd be done but
11:56like I'm
11:58not practicing meditation mindfulness
12:01exercises or techniques like negative
12:03emotion differentiation these can
12:06greatly enhance your self-awareness by
12:08helping you to identify and distinguish
12:10between specific emotions you feel in
12:13the moment so negative emotion
12:16differentiation in particular encourages
12:18you to to label and understand the
12:21nuances of your negative emotions rather
12:24than lumping them all together or like
12:26avoiding them if you want to hear me
12:30lead you through this there's a there's
12:32a video for
12:35that one of the problems here is staying
12:38too close to the surface who you are as
12:40a person is not defined by your job
12:42title Hobbies interest your lifestyle
12:46those are things that you enjoy they're
12:48great but they do not encapsulate the
12:50complexity of your true self you also
12:53won't find yourself by mimicking other
12:55people or by chasing Trends though those
12:59be fun and despite what you might hear
13:01online the goal isn't to become
13:05unrecognizable it is to be better able
13:08to recognize who you genuinely are it is
13:12not about Reinventing yourself it is
13:14about discovering yourself so you need
13:17to go deeper reflect on what you stand
13:20for your principles and the enduring
13:24aspects of your
13:27personality one metaphor I love for
13:29self-reflection is to think of it like
13:32doing a character study much like how a
13:36writer crafting a great novel needs to
13:39understand their
13:40characters they need to know them deeply
13:43in order to make their stories
13:45believable and compelling when they do a
13:47character study they explore their
13:49character's strengths and
13:51flaws their core values and beliefs
13:55their wants and their needs writers also
13:58Dive In into their character's
14:00protective strategies how do they
14:02protect themselves emotionally what do
14:05they learn to do to get what they want
14:06and to avoid what they fear additionally
14:10writers uncover their character's origin
14:12story The formative experiences both
14:15good and challenging that have shaped
14:17who the characters are these defining
14:19moments are key to understanding how
14:22does this character to move through the
14:24world so my argument is this you should
14:27know yourself at least as well as a
14:30great writer knows their characters you
14:33want to learn all of those things about
14:35yourself and gaining a little
14:37psychological distance with this
14:39exercise helps so seeing yourself as if
14:42from a third person perspective like
14:45you're looking at a character in a story
14:47this can make it easier to approach
14:49self-awareness with kindness and
14:52compassion this is especially true when
14:54we are looking at parts of ourselves
14:56that we're not proud of
14:59and you're not really doing
15:01self-awareness if you're not looking at
15:03those so we've talked about the
15:05importance of going deeper and
15:07discovering your authentic self but how
15:09do you actually do that okay let's
15:11explore some practical tools to help you
15:14build self-awareness and strengthen your
15:16self-concept
15:19Clarity for one exercise we get to do a
15:22little time travel okay picture yourself
15:25in a coffee shop you're 10 years older
15:29and sitting across from you is someone
15:31who knows you well how would you like
15:33them to describe you what would you like
15:36them to say about how you've lived your
15:38life over the last 10 years so this
15:41exercise it isn't about creating
15:43pressure or the perfect plan of your
15:46life it's just about getting clear on
15:48what really matters to
15:51you here's another writing prompt that
15:54combines a few insights from the
15:56research on how to improve self-concept
15:58clarity
15:59think about the past
16:02week what's one moment when you felt
16:06good or you felt truly
16:09yourself what was happening at the time
16:13where were you what were you doing so
16:16picture this in your mind as if you're
16:19observing yourself from a distance if
16:22it's hard to think of a moment then try
16:25to recall a small pleasant experience
16:29even if it doesn't seem particularly
16:31important now why do you think this
16:34moment stood out to
16:37you what does it say about what matters
16:40to you or what makes you
16:42happy how does it connect to experiences
16:45in your past and how does it connect to
16:48where you hope to see yourself in the
16:50future reflect on this moment with
16:52kindness and
16:54curiosity as if you're seeing yourself
16:56Through The Eyes of a supportive friend
16:59for me this would be easy if I was
17:00trying to do this
17:02because my moments would be around
17:05creating this video doing all the things
17:07that I feel really enthused by all the
17:11research and the creativity and the
17:12writing you can take a few minutes each
17:15week to explore this problem here's
17:17another research-based option which is
17:19especially powerful when we're not
17:21feeling great or we're trying to deal
17:22with difficult
17:24situations it can help us feel more
17:26solid in Who We Are by connecting us to
17:30the things that really matter to us so
17:32one psychology study showed that doing
17:34this exercise just one time was enough
17:37to improve feelings of insecurity and to
17:40improve social behavior for up to 8
17:42weeks in the participants start by
17:45choosing one value or personality trait
17:50or relationship that feels particularly
17:52meaningful to you today this could be
17:54something like kindness and compassion
17:58relationship friends and family health
18:00and well-being
18:02creativity or personal strengths you
18:05have like your problem solving skills
18:07sense of humor musical or artistic
18:10talent athletic skills once you've
18:14chosen
18:15identify why did you pick this value
18:19strength or relationship describe two
18:22reasons why it is so important to you
18:24how much does it influence your life
18:26does it guide your decisions does it
18:28shape your daily
18:30actions why is this an important part of
18:33who you are if I were to do this
18:35exercise I might focus
18:38on my love of lifelong
18:41learning and when I ask Hope about this
18:44she said she was going to pick
18:47adaptability and the ways that this
18:49trait has impacted her life you can do
18:51this as many times as you want you can
18:52come back to this over the course of
18:54time picking out a different value
18:57strength or relationship time this can
19:00really help you get to know
19:02yourself now writing doesn't always need
19:04to follow a structured prompt many of my
19:07clients have found immense value in
19:09simply writing freely getting their
19:12thoughts onto paper without judgment
19:15this act of putting them into words
19:17makes them tangible and easier to
19:19reflect on it creates a sense of
19:22distance too so you're allowing yourself
19:25to observe and better understand
19:29so far we focus on introspection looking
19:32inward to understand ourselves but
19:35there's another powerful tool for
19:37self-discovery that often goes
19:39overlooked other people other people
19:42have access to observations about us
19:45that we don't simply because they can
19:48see us from a different perspective we
19:51are the only ones who don't see
19:53ourselves directly so they notice things
19:56about us we might miss and the research
19:58shows they often pick up on details that
20:00we're unaware of for example I work with
20:03someone who struggled to Define their
20:05sense of self while self-reflection
20:07helped I encouraged them to ask for
20:10feedback from people who cared about
20:11them so they received insights they had
20:14never considered before both compliments
20:17and some constructive observations this
20:20feedback filled in gaps they couldn't
20:21see on their own and it led to a much
20:24clearer and more balanced understanding
20:26of who they were so this can be
20:28especially relevant for those of us who
20:31experience any social anxiety a common
20:33feature of social anxiety is a
20:36negatively skewed perception of how
20:38others see us we tend to create these
20:42exaggerated kind of critical caricatures
20:45of ourselves which only amplifies our
20:48insecurities but by integrating
20:51self-reflection with social feedback you
20:53can develop a more accurate and complete
20:56sense of who you are if you want to
20:58deepen yourself awareness start by
21:00asking others for their perspective
21:02questions like what do you think of my
21:04core strengths or what traits of mine
21:07really stand out if asking directly
21:10feels awkward which it probably will
21:12reflect on what your friends and loved
21:14ones might say about you like try to
21:16imagine it what patterns or traits do
21:19you think they would notice about you
21:22important Point don't ask for feedback
21:26from jerks and Bullies the go goal is
21:30constructive insights maybe don't sign
21:33up for a
21:36roast I think of us like being great
21:39white sharks so just as sharks have to
21:42keep moving in order to breathe we
21:45Thrive through constant growth Evolution
21:48and movement stagnation feels
21:50suffocating for us but continuous
21:53self-discovery it brings fulfillment so
21:56a few years ago I went through an
21:58intense period of self-discovery like
22:01many other people the Catalyst was my
22:04pain so difficult experiences that were
22:07forcing me to reflect and grow suffering
22:10often is the spark for profound change
22:14so know that if you are suffering at the
22:16time I'd achieved everything I thought I
22:18was supposed to Career Milestones
22:21societal expectations works but but
22:24something was clearly missing I found
22:26myself wondering is it is this it is
22:29this what it's supposed to be what why
22:31doesn't this make me happy that question
22:33led me into a long period of
22:35self-reflection I focused on therapy I
22:38read to try to get some more
22:40understanding did a lot of
22:42introspection and I was trying to
22:44understand like what is this pain trying
22:46to teach me over time I began to uncover
22:49a deeper understanding of who I was the
22:52clarity I gained allowed me to realign
22:56my life in a way that res ated more
22:59deeply with my true
23:01self research consistently shows that
23:04people with high self-concept Clarity
23:06tend to perform better socially and have
23:08stronger more fulfilling
23:10relationships but here's what I've seen
23:13firsthand when you truly know yourself
23:16you're much better equipped to find
23:18someone who fits with you and supports
23:21you the people we choose to surround
23:24ourselves with they have a huge impact
23:26on our well-being we absorb so much from
23:29the people around us they shape how we
23:31see ourselves and the world so it's
23:35crucial to be intentional about who we
23:37let into our lives and yet many people
23:40approach relationships without first
23:42having a clear understanding of
23:44themselves in my work with clients this
23:47often comes up in the context of dating
23:50many people want to focus on strategies
23:52to get people to like them more that is
23:56understandable but inevitably we shift
24:00the conversation towards identifying the
24:02traits in other people that brings out
24:05the best in them so it's not just about
24:07being liked it's about finding people
24:10who align with and support your true
24:13self think about who you are when you're
24:15around a specific person do they make
24:18you feel more like your authentic self
24:21or do you find yourself holding back
24:24hiding parts of who you are a great sign
24:27that someone is a good fit for you is if
24:30you feel at ease being yourself around
24:33them it's clear that self-concept
24:36Clarity can transform your life from
24:38building confidence and improving
24:39relationships to finding deeper purpose
24:42but here's the thing self-discovery it
24:45is just one step in the process once you
24:48know yourself the next challenge is
24:51learning how to best communicate that
24:53authentically to the world so watch this