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A Black Lady Sketch Show: No Makeup (Full Sketch) | HBO

HBO · 584 words · 3 min read

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0:01(PHONE RINGING)

0:06Hey, girl.

0:08Mm. 9:57 a.m.?

0:10Again, Shaela?

0:12You know we started calling you office Lauryn Hill.

0:15Toni, I'm trying.

0:16It just takes so long to beat this face.

0:19TONI: Then don't.

0:20Girl, you got melanin.

0:21You don't need Nars when you got skin like ours.

0:24Okay, that's cute for you, Alicia Keys.

0:26But if I don't wear makeup somebody always asks,

0:29"Are you okay? You look sick."

0:31Oh, come on, it's not that serious.

0:33It is that serious!

0:35Okay, last time, I did not wear makeup,

0:37I got pulled into being a zombie on The Walking Dead.

0:39Of course I did make 500 dollars but it hurt my feelings.

0:43Did you get to meet Rick?

0:44'Cause that's cool.

0:45No, that is not cool, okay?

0:47I don't want people thinking I look like death.

0:49Oh, well, it's better than looking unemployed.

0:52(CLOCK TICKING)

0:53TONI: Ooh, Shaela 'bout to get that job.

0:55SHAELA: Look who's here before 9 a.m.!

0:58Well, well-- Goddamn!

1:02(GASPS) Are you okay?!

1:03Who did this to you?

1:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I just don't have makeup on.

1:08Okay? I told you, I knew you would do this.

1:10Oh, but I didn't know, how could I have known?

1:12Who would have known? Oh, it was unknowable.

1:14Well, at least I saved an hour getting ready.

1:18Besides, customers can't see me through the phone, who cares?

1:20(PHONE RINGING)

1:22SHAELA: MealStone Coffee Company.

1:23How can I brew up an answer for you?

1:26Sure, let me place you on a brief hold.

1:29Girl.

1:31You ever steal coffee?

1:32I do.

1:34Okay!

1:35SHAELA: Okay, your shipment is on its way.

1:38Oh, talk to you later, percolator.

1:40Oh, Goddamn, Shaela.

1:43You look like you just walked out of an ICU!

1:46Okay, now see that's just how you see me.

1:48This is just my natural face.

1:50Then you explain how that natural IV's

1:52hanging out of your natural arm.

1:53There's no IV.

1:55(SCREAMS)

1:58Now shh, I'm trying to do my work,

2:00I suggest you do the same.

2:03(PHONE RINGING)

2:08MealStone Coffee Company, how've you "bean"?

2:11Oh, we came as soon as we could, baby.

2:13Daddy's here, daddy's here.

2:16Jesus, please save my friend.

2:18Oh Reverend, I'm glad you could come.

2:20Good looking out, Jesus.

2:21Okay sure, let me just place you on a brief hold.

2:23Father God, we ask, that you welcome this child

2:26into your kingdom in your divine timing.

2:28Which will probably be any minute now.

2:31If it hasn't happened already.

2:33It's in your name that we pray over this near corpse.

2:36-Amen. -ALL: Amen.

2:38Okay I'm back, sure.

2:39I can do that, your shipment is on the way.

2:43What are you doing, Toni?

2:44You fuckin' with my coffee commission.

2:46No, Shaela, you are my best friend...

2:49at work.

2:51Okay, fine.

2:52But before you go, I gotta tell you the truth.

2:57(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

2:58I'm the one who's been eating your munchies.

3:01Son of a b--

3:02-(MONITOR FLATLINING) -Baby?

3:03-Out of the way, out of the way. -(TONI GASPS)

3:05-Clear. -(DEFIBRILATOR CHARGING)

3:08Clear.

3:12(FLATLINE PINGS)

3:14Time of death, 9:22 a.m.

3:16(SOBBING)

3:18Oh no, oh no!

3:21-It's okay, it's okay. -What happened?

3:23Come on now, come on.

3:24SHAELA'S DAD: Stop crying, baby.

3:27(GASPING)

3:32(CRYING)

3:39♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

3:43(SNIFFLING)

3:49Hey, girl.

3:50You ready to hit this happy hour?

3:53Shaela?

3:55Mm-mm. You died.

3:57Your home-going is on Saturday.

3:59No, it's not.

4:01Oh shit, smudged my lipstick.

4:04Might as well start over.

4:05-(STAMMERING) No, no, no! -♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

4:07N-- N-- N-- No!

4:10(YELPS) No!

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